Help for the bereaved family
When unfortunate incidences happen to any human being it takes a long time to get healed and as a matter of fact there is no definite time period for the healing process. What we know is that this healing is possible and that one can return back to a happy and productive life after any unfortunate incidence. Whenever you find yourself in such a difficult situation, know that you are not alone, people have passed through it successfully and many are still passing through it. What you need to remind yourself of is that, things will eventually get better. In fact when I lost my mother last October in 2010 I felt like I was in another planet. I felt like I was different from those I see around me, in fact I was like a lost man. A man who has no guide without hope in getting through; but as time went on with faith I started building the hope that I needed for my healing. The pains gradually subsided as I gradually accepted the reality of life. In fact the solution to all our afflictions is in the word of God. Psalm 119:50 tells us that “This is my comfort in my affliction; For thy word hath quickened me”. The word of God really revives deadened life and mends the brokenhearted. In Isaiah it says the Lord has comforted His people and will have compassion on His afflicted (Isaiah 49:13). This is so sweet! It says His people, His afflicted. It is talking about Gods people, and so if we remain faithful to God having all our hopes in Him we are sure of this promise and His promises never fail.
We should not be given to fear because our Lord lives and He has promised to always be closer to us; He is there to comfort us. In Isaiah God says I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, and uphold you with My righteous right hand. It also applies to us Christians. We just have to have hope in our God and believe as we know that His word is true and that He will never lie. Isaiah 41:10; “Fear thou not, for I am with thee; be not dismayed, for I am thy God; I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness”. The psalmist says with hope and faith that though he walk through the valley of the shadow of death, he will fear no evil. Why? Because the Lord is with him (Psalm23:4). Our Lord knows those events are there and they have to be there. In fact they are there to strengthen us, to strengthen our relationship with God. God will not always take away certain events from us even if we feel uncomfortable with but he will allow it if it will bring Him glory at the end. We need to always have in mind that our purpose on earth is to glorify God. Therefore in everything we do, in every situation we pass through we need to bear in mind that the end should glorify our creator. One thing I know is that God will never allow any temptation come to us if it is above our strength. He will always give us the ability, and more over He says he will always be by our side giving us the protection that is needed. He says we shall pass through the rivers and through fire but we shall never be harmed because he is with us. Yes, God is always by His children and the little we need to do is to accept God as our God through His son Jesus Christ who is our Lord and saviour. There we shall benefit from the same promises God gave to His people. Isaiah 43:2 “When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned, neither shall the flame kindle upon thee”. This promise we have read from the word of God that it happened to Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego in Daniel chapter 3. Yes they physically passed through the burning fiery furnace and the fire did not kindle upon them. Our scripture says the flames of the fire slew the men who bounded these men of God but they were not hurt because God was on their side. Our Lord Jesus says “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted” matt 5:4. Our Lord is like saying we should accept it. He hasn’t said we should not mourn but He says blessed are you, sacred are you who mourns for you shall be comforted. We therefore have to accept our pains and mourn because we have pains. Our God gave us the senses to express them not to pretend. Tell God exactly how you feel and cry when you feel like crying but know that you shall be comforted says the Lord. Death has no power because God gives us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ (1 Cor 15:55-57). If our loved one who died, really slept in the Lord then we know they live and we shall meet with them some time in God’s kingdom.
What about us now?
We as believers know resurrection is a reality and we should not reason like people who are not informed and have no hope. Our hope is in the resurrection that we have through Christ 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14; But we would not have you ignorant, brethren, concerning them that fall asleep; that ye sorrow not, even as the rest, who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also that are fallen asleep in Jesus will God bring with him. In Revelation we learn that in those days God shall wipe away every tear from our eyes, there shall be no death nor mourning nor pain. There shall be comfort when God Himself shall be with His people "and he shall wipe away every tear from their eyes; and death shall be no more; neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain, any more: the first things are passed away" Revelation 21:4.
We need to take courage and move forward. We need to draw near to God through Jesus Christ our Lord who is the source of our comfort. There we shall find mercy and we shall receive the grace that is needed for us to help in time of need. We have received mercy from God regardless of who we are, He gives us comfort through His word. What then? We have to help when need arises. We cannot receive and remain as if nothing happened because there will be a time when we shall be expected to help with what we have received from the Lord. We read from Hebrews 4:15-16 that we should draw near to the throne of grace; “For we have not a high priest that cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but one that hath been in all points tempted like as [we are, yet] without sin. Let us therefore draw near with boldness unto the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy, and may find grace to help [us] in time of need”. Now that we know and have received God’s mercy, now that we have had God’s comfort in our affliction, we need to comfort others with the same comfort we received from God. We as individuals, and families and as a church, we therefore have the responsibility to comfort those who are in affliction; 2 Cor1:3-4 “Blessed [be] the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforteth us in all our affliction, that we may be able to comfort them that are in any affliction, through the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God”. Let us now prepare ourselves and make a step towards the isolated, the afflicted, the abandoned, the lonely, yes they are many.
Churches role
Leaders of churches have to carry the responsibility of teaching the truth and guiding the church members along with other things such as the pastoral responsibility. But the leader cannot provide all the pastoral time and attention that every member of the church requires especially when the church is not small. We also have to know that a pastor who is married will also have a responsibility over his family. In the case of Africa, even when one is not married he still has a responsibility towards the nieces, nephews, cousins, uncles, parents etc. The family is very large here and African pastors or leaders are not exempted. That is why other Christians are called upon as delegated by the leader or the fellowship to assist in the pastoral responsibilities between the leader himself and the others in the church.
We can easily overlook the needs of others around us and for the church this will be very possible if there are no structures to help those in need come for help. In one of the churches in Cameroon I found a very good structure established which really assembled the needy towards the church and the church too is helping them in providing their needs and the warmth. In Etoug Ebe Baptist church Yaounde, they have a program where they collect second hand items to give to the poor in need. Every Christian who has something he/she is no longer using will gather them to the church and give to the team in charge. These are collected for a while and if there are no solicitors then the church makes a sales plan and sells them. Then the money is used to help the poor. I think this is good because some people though needy will always want to keep their esteem. Some will prefer the money rather than the goods for fear that one will say hey, there my item I gave to the church. This has shown proof that it helps.
As a church we need to teach home group leaders to be sensitive to the needs of the members in their group. Because Christians have to love God, we can show our love for God by providing for these needy in our fellowship and around us regardless of whether they are Christians or not. Therefore church members also have to be guided and encouraged to be pastoral in their outlook and this needs prayer because their hearts have to change as it needs sacrifice. People in our community are really in need for provision, for care, for love and for spiritual and moral uprightness. These people are there waiting for someone to talk to them and make them move, but most of the Christians are satisfied with their “umbrella salvation” that covers just them or their families. Many say ah, if my family is saved then ok for me, but they forget that the great commission which is a divine imperative says GO and make disciples of all nations Matt28:20. It does not say get your salvation and then stay. No; as you have now known the truth, go and teach, bring them to me (Christ).
Ministering to the needs of the needy also involves evangelism and so this work is not limited to Christians in our community but more so to the non-christians around us. This will teach them more than what we may want to speak to them especially when they have no hope. Organizing meetings in church for this group of people and allowing non Christians too will help those who just want to spend some time with others. The idea is to make those in need (isolated, brokenhearted) to talk to others in a group and build friendships. Other christians can pray for them and provide more warmth even to the non-christians who come in and then help explain the gospel to them too; at their own pace. The choice of time and the age group may be a factor to consider when organizing these meetings. The evening may be very suitable for those who are of age and those who find public transport difficult or undesirable or insecure in the evening. But the evenings will be very suitable for those who work during the day.
In cases where the fellowship does not have a church, families can host the meetings in rotation. So the church needs to provide practically for the needs of the isolated or lonely in their church even if there are just one or two to allow these integrate in the fellowship. Can we imagine how this will help the widows and widowers? Last week or so Cameroon just celebrated the widows day and it is high time the church provides the practical needs of these widows and widowers. They need spiritual food in addition to the warmth. Many talk of discrimination in the society because they feel the lack of this love which can only be provided in a real way through the church.
Some people can be over demanding in wanting the company of others and so they will need more time to overcome their pain while others will integrate very fast. We therefore need to realize this in each of the persons we identify needy and then try to balance our pastoral ministry facilities as well. We cannot give all the time for the lonely because the resources may be limited as manpower is concern. However we must know that all those who are in need in our churches should be taken serious and treated in their best interest whether their needs are physical, emotional or spiritual because Christian fellowship must go with love. If we do not desire to meet to the needs of those in our community then we do not love our neighbours (Luke 10:25-37).
Thursday 8 September 2011
Experiences and feelings of the bereaved
Experiences and feelings of the bereaved
The death of a loved one is at times the cruelest thing that can happen to a human being. At times the pain seems insupportable. For some the pain is so much so that they cannot easily accept the reality of this lost. For most people regardless of their culture or religion death is a very delicate subject. Some languages have words or phrases to describe this in order to avoid the sad use of the delicate word. We hear of “he kicked the bucket”, “she passed away”, “she has gone to the father” etc instead of saying he/she died. In Limbum my dialect we get the phrase which translated gives “she left”, “he is lost (in case of chiefs and Fons)”, “she refused food”, “he has quenched”, etc.
I lost my mother last year (some seven months ago) on the 29th of October 2010. Some few days before she died she spoke with me on the phone, telling me she had some pains in her feet, little did I know this could lead to a dead end, but Gods ways are not our ways. Four days in the Hospital I was called one night that she was in oxygen. I could not relate pains in the feet to using artificial aid for respiration. In the early hours at 6am I was informed she passed away. Yes I cried like a little baby in our sleeping room. I had the luck that my wife was there and could give me some comfort, but as time went on I felt more broken than ever. For six months I had always reflected on who she was to us. All of us (eight children) missed our mom and I saw this in the lives of my brothers and sisters. Each time I meet with my eldest sister crying will start over again. Our mom was special to us and her words were always peaceful trying to build always; and open to lead reconciliation. She left us when we needed her most. My wife thought I could get rid of this by keeping everything that brings her memories far away, but this was a mistake. She will always ask me to keep the burial video whenever I wanted to watch. But I found out that it was by watching this over and over and placing her picture on my wall that made me accept the painful reality. A month ago I wondered how it will help if people can share their feelings with others and look at what scriptures tell us in such a painful situation. My wife was pregnant and I told my sister that my child will bare my mom’s name regardless of the sex of the child. God blessed us with a baby boy last month and he was named Yusinyu Angelo. Angelo just like our mom Angelina represents angel. Yusinyu (in English; listen to God) our second child is one month old today that I am writing this text. I now feel relief and I talk about my mom’s death without much trouble.
Some people try to escape from the pains by thinking of the pains of others. They thing they have surmounted all but in most cases they have just tried to escape from the reality. Human escapism will not solve our problem. You may pass all your time during the burial period or death ceremony consoling others; Yes, it is good to support others and assist them get relief from the pain, but do not forget that you yourself need to confront your own feelings. Crying at times gives you relief and if you feel as to do that, do it. Those who run away from this feeling end up many years in bereavement than those who expressed their feelings earlier. When you express your feelings, people will assist you go over it, but if you do it later on, you may have no one beside to help you. In that case you will feel very lonely, no one to comfort you and it will become very difficult for you to surmount your pain. When you are in this situation, note that others have had the same experience and many more will. It is never the end of the world; in fact you still have a life to live though you have lost a part of your company or family.
The bereaved are placed in a situation of temptation especially during the burial ceremony. This period is one in which one has to be very careful the way he things, try to manage frustration and helplessness. If these are not managed, the bereaved will be very susceptible to and can be easily drawn away into situations that cannot be managed later on spiritually and physically. In some cultures family behaviours might lead one (bereaved) to scatter the family bond for ever due to provocations. In some cultures provocation of the bereaved is a normal thing that should happen. When you are in such a situation, whether you know it or not do your things as if you have no force to react to any provocation. Do not even think of the provocation; let them pass as they came.
Our feelings after being bereaved can lead to many health and moral problems in our life. The feeling of loneliness, rejection, guilt and shock can lead to depression. But the scriptures tell us that “The LORD is near to the broken hearted; and saves the crushed in spirit” (Ps 34:18). So we have to accept it and let it go. It is true that it is not as easy else we will not be writing or talking about it. It will take some time; for some it will not take very long but for others it may take very long but as the Lord promises he is there for the broken hearted. We have to cry it out and let it go. This will keep us away from depression. Some people can easily turn the page and life goes on but others find it so difficult to do that. If you are a straight man like Jacob who after getting the news of the death of his son refuses to be comforted then you have to take care of yourself (Genesis 37:35) ;And all his sons and all his daughters rose up to comfort him; but he refused to be comforted; and he said, For I will go down into the grave unto my son mourning. Thus his father wept for him. Know that your health depends on your emotional state. You have to eat well even when you do not feel as to. You also have to sleep enough and make some exercise; this will help you. Science has shown that exercise triggers the liberation of endorphins from the brain which contributes to well being by abolishing all sensation of pain. Thirdly we need to accept assistance from others. Friends and other Christians will give you good advice and when spoken well will give you relief just as the scriptures tell us in Proverbs 25:11 A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.
The death of a loved one is at times the cruelest thing that can happen to a human being. At times the pain seems insupportable. For some the pain is so much so that they cannot easily accept the reality of this lost. For most people regardless of their culture or religion death is a very delicate subject. Some languages have words or phrases to describe this in order to avoid the sad use of the delicate word. We hear of “he kicked the bucket”, “she passed away”, “she has gone to the father” etc instead of saying he/she died. In Limbum my dialect we get the phrase which translated gives “she left”, “he is lost (in case of chiefs and Fons)”, “she refused food”, “he has quenched”, etc.
I lost my mother last year (some seven months ago) on the 29th of October 2010. Some few days before she died she spoke with me on the phone, telling me she had some pains in her feet, little did I know this could lead to a dead end, but Gods ways are not our ways. Four days in the Hospital I was called one night that she was in oxygen. I could not relate pains in the feet to using artificial aid for respiration. In the early hours at 6am I was informed she passed away. Yes I cried like a little baby in our sleeping room. I had the luck that my wife was there and could give me some comfort, but as time went on I felt more broken than ever. For six months I had always reflected on who she was to us. All of us (eight children) missed our mom and I saw this in the lives of my brothers and sisters. Each time I meet with my eldest sister crying will start over again. Our mom was special to us and her words were always peaceful trying to build always; and open to lead reconciliation. She left us when we needed her most. My wife thought I could get rid of this by keeping everything that brings her memories far away, but this was a mistake. She will always ask me to keep the burial video whenever I wanted to watch. But I found out that it was by watching this over and over and placing her picture on my wall that made me accept the painful reality. A month ago I wondered how it will help if people can share their feelings with others and look at what scriptures tell us in such a painful situation. My wife was pregnant and I told my sister that my child will bare my mom’s name regardless of the sex of the child. God blessed us with a baby boy last month and he was named Yusinyu Angelo. Angelo just like our mom Angelina represents angel. Yusinyu (in English; listen to God) our second child is one month old today that I am writing this text. I now feel relief and I talk about my mom’s death without much trouble.
Some people try to escape from the pains by thinking of the pains of others. They thing they have surmounted all but in most cases they have just tried to escape from the reality. Human escapism will not solve our problem. You may pass all your time during the burial period or death ceremony consoling others; Yes, it is good to support others and assist them get relief from the pain, but do not forget that you yourself need to confront your own feelings. Crying at times gives you relief and if you feel as to do that, do it. Those who run away from this feeling end up many years in bereavement than those who expressed their feelings earlier. When you express your feelings, people will assist you go over it, but if you do it later on, you may have no one beside to help you. In that case you will feel very lonely, no one to comfort you and it will become very difficult for you to surmount your pain. When you are in this situation, note that others have had the same experience and many more will. It is never the end of the world; in fact you still have a life to live though you have lost a part of your company or family.
The bereaved are placed in a situation of temptation especially during the burial ceremony. This period is one in which one has to be very careful the way he things, try to manage frustration and helplessness. If these are not managed, the bereaved will be very susceptible to and can be easily drawn away into situations that cannot be managed later on spiritually and physically. In some cultures family behaviours might lead one (bereaved) to scatter the family bond for ever due to provocations. In some cultures provocation of the bereaved is a normal thing that should happen. When you are in such a situation, whether you know it or not do your things as if you have no force to react to any provocation. Do not even think of the provocation; let them pass as they came.
Our feelings after being bereaved can lead to many health and moral problems in our life. The feeling of loneliness, rejection, guilt and shock can lead to depression. But the scriptures tell us that “The LORD is near to the broken hearted; and saves the crushed in spirit” (Ps 34:18). So we have to accept it and let it go. It is true that it is not as easy else we will not be writing or talking about it. It will take some time; for some it will not take very long but for others it may take very long but as the Lord promises he is there for the broken hearted. We have to cry it out and let it go. This will keep us away from depression. Some people can easily turn the page and life goes on but others find it so difficult to do that. If you are a straight man like Jacob who after getting the news of the death of his son refuses to be comforted then you have to take care of yourself (Genesis 37:35) ;And all his sons and all his daughters rose up to comfort him; but he refused to be comforted; and he said, For I will go down into the grave unto my son mourning. Thus his father wept for him. Know that your health depends on your emotional state. You have to eat well even when you do not feel as to. You also have to sleep enough and make some exercise; this will help you. Science has shown that exercise triggers the liberation of endorphins from the brain which contributes to well being by abolishing all sensation of pain. Thirdly we need to accept assistance from others. Friends and other Christians will give you good advice and when spoken well will give you relief just as the scriptures tell us in Proverbs 25:11 A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.
What is Bereavement?
What is Bereavement?
A person is said to be bereaved when the person is deprived of a beloved person or a treasured thing, especially through death. Death is the end of being alive. That is; all the vital functions and processes in an organism or cell is ended.
No one knows how to die. But people believe certain experiences can be used to explain the experience of death. People who have gone on comma or short human inactivity due to medical situations (perhaps from anesthesia) believe the experience of death is the same. But the truth is that no one living has experienced death. Death is the last experience humans shall learn in this life. When you are death, there is no physical life and so death has no life. In other words, when you are dead you have no link with the living. This has caused a lot of fear in the minds of humans. Fear of the unknown world after death, fear of living without our loved ones. In fact when you are not directly touched, death is normal but when you are bereaved of your loved one, you find a difference in life.
People who are bereaved usually feel lonely haven lost their beloved. They get into stress as the memories do not go faster especially when the dead person played a big deal in the bereaved life. There is a gap that is created and needs to be filled. Some try to escape instead of getting it by the horns. Some face guilt; feeling they did not do what was necessary for the dead person. Some feel they would have done more or that they fail to do what was necessary for this person who died. All these cause worries in the bereaved.
Losing someone is not easy to accept, but we have no choice about it. If you have not yet experienced it, know that it will come some day; the worse will be others having the experience over you. I know everybody wants to go to heaven but no one wants to die now. Even octogenarians cry that untimely death is not their portion. Yes! But who defines it untimely? We or God? When someone you know dies, it shocks you and if the person was very close you may feel like part of yourself has died. It takes time to recover from the shock and the pain because the loss is permanent, and so what the person was to you is affected permanently. So you need to give yourself time, do not be worried that you are still suffering from the loss and pain, but know that it shall come to pass because God is closer to the brokenhearted (Ps34:18). We always have hope in Christ regardless of our hurt or fears. Welcome the Lord into your deep feelings and you will experience God’s comfort through His Spirit. You will make sense of your emotions and feelings of the beloved one you lost. God understands your situation; the complexities of your experiences and all of your thoughts and so He can mend the gap that you feel inside.
A person is said to be bereaved when the person is deprived of a beloved person or a treasured thing, especially through death. Death is the end of being alive. That is; all the vital functions and processes in an organism or cell is ended.
No one knows how to die. But people believe certain experiences can be used to explain the experience of death. People who have gone on comma or short human inactivity due to medical situations (perhaps from anesthesia) believe the experience of death is the same. But the truth is that no one living has experienced death. Death is the last experience humans shall learn in this life. When you are death, there is no physical life and so death has no life. In other words, when you are dead you have no link with the living. This has caused a lot of fear in the minds of humans. Fear of the unknown world after death, fear of living without our loved ones. In fact when you are not directly touched, death is normal but when you are bereaved of your loved one, you find a difference in life.
People who are bereaved usually feel lonely haven lost their beloved. They get into stress as the memories do not go faster especially when the dead person played a big deal in the bereaved life. There is a gap that is created and needs to be filled. Some try to escape instead of getting it by the horns. Some face guilt; feeling they did not do what was necessary for the dead person. Some feel they would have done more or that they fail to do what was necessary for this person who died. All these cause worries in the bereaved.
Losing someone is not easy to accept, but we have no choice about it. If you have not yet experienced it, know that it will come some day; the worse will be others having the experience over you. I know everybody wants to go to heaven but no one wants to die now. Even octogenarians cry that untimely death is not their portion. Yes! But who defines it untimely? We or God? When someone you know dies, it shocks you and if the person was very close you may feel like part of yourself has died. It takes time to recover from the shock and the pain because the loss is permanent, and so what the person was to you is affected permanently. So you need to give yourself time, do not be worried that you are still suffering from the loss and pain, but know that it shall come to pass because God is closer to the brokenhearted (Ps34:18). We always have hope in Christ regardless of our hurt or fears. Welcome the Lord into your deep feelings and you will experience God’s comfort through His Spirit. You will make sense of your emotions and feelings of the beloved one you lost. God understands your situation; the complexities of your experiences and all of your thoughts and so He can mend the gap that you feel inside.
Repairing Trust in Your Relationship(Marriage)
Repairing Trust in Your Relationship
Humans with their sinful nature at some point proof to be untrustworthy and this has to be rebuilt. It sometimes needs just a remodelling or rebuilding process to make up for the trust. Some people at times feel that certain relationships are not worth rebuilding and they feel cutting it off but this is never the case with marriage. One of the purposes of marriage is to teach us how to rebuild trust when it is broken.The first thing to do in repairing trust is to make a sincere confession of the truth. If it be betrayal, the betrayer has to first confess the whole truth. The whole truth does not mean every intimate detail that puts too much of a burden on the shoulders of the betrayed spouse. The rule of thumb on how much to confess is this: If I want to seriously rebuild trust with my spouse, I confess anything that, if it were to found out later, would undermine the rebuilding of trust. If information has been withheld in the form of a secret, or if one spouse has been lied to about anything, the need for a sincere confession of the truth always marks the starting point. Couples who try to sweep any kind of lie under the carpet risk lessening, or even losing, the intimacy they long for. The primer point in this step is to confess to God the creator (of course confession must come with repentance else it is not necessary), and to make a commitment not to come back to it.Next, the betrayer has to be completely open to the partner or the betrayed, for the purpose of healing. The spouse who has had an affair has given up control of his or her life at least for as long as it takes to rebuild trust. He or she gives up control by becoming an open book to his/her spouse. No secrets allowed. Cell phone bills, travel itineraries, whereabouts at any given point in time, complete accessibility, all of these are part of our becoming open to our spouse about all aspects of our life. Anything less than complete openness restricts the rebuilding of trust. There can be nothing that remains hidden, or else when it is found out, and it will be, it will destroy the trust that was re-established. And the second time trust is breached is more serious. There is the old adage that says, ‘Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.’ Few marriages can survive the ‘fool me twice’ syndrome. The betrayer must also be sorrowful about his/her act. Without it, it’s like building a brick wall without cement. The goal of rebuilding trust is that at some point there is genuine sorrow on the part of the one who lived the lie, and genuine forgiveness on the part of the one betrayed. Without both of these conditions, the marital reconciliation is going to be very superficial and very unsatisfying to both parties. Again, the principle is the same, even for the little lie of omission, or the little white lie. When confronted by your spouse, you need to confess the truth, become completely open about the subject, and show genuine sorrow for the betrayal. Every lie in a marriage is a form of betrayal, and so regardless of the seriousness of the betrayal, the process is the same. You have to be patient in rebuilding trust. The length of time needed depends on the seriousness of the offence. A small lie of omission may take a couple of days, whereas an affair may take a year or two just to get to level ground again. So rebuilding means both the offender and the offended need to be patient with the process.
Marital Sex
Marital Sex
Sex rules are established to protect and enhance the maximum enjoyment of the gift of marriage. No one can make a list of does and don'ts which can be acceptable by all Christians especially that there are no specific rules about this in the Bible. Even though the bible is there for our spiritual upbringing, it still has some few guidelines on how he have to exercise our sex life in marriage. The teaching is like a guide rule so that we may not go astray. We’d like to point out the obvious—the Bible is not a manual on sexual technique. We’ve heard some people say that Song of Solomon describes acceptable sexual positions and behaviour. We see it as a poetic love song that clearly embraces the joy of sexual play. We don’t think it is an attempt to outline any specific sexual practices. There are some specific sexual behaviour that are forbidden in scriptures. Adultery, that is having sexual intercourse with another person’s spouse or a partner other than your own spouse, is a sin. Exodus 20:14 “Thou shalt not commit adultery.” Leviticus 20:10 “And the man that committeth adultery with another man's wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.” Jesus, in the Sermon on the Mount, deepens the importance of marital faithfulness by extending the prohibition of infidelity to include a lustful thought life as well as the physical act of intercourse. Looking into our minds and hearts is an important principle for safeguarding the delights of intimacy. Matthew 5:28 “but I say unto you, that every one that looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” Scripture is also clear about the evil of fornication—premarital sexual intercourse—which most of our culture accepts as normal and irresistible. We see many couples suffering from the consequences of their early promiscuity. The “sexual freedom” of our time isn’t free and usually carries some pretty heavy costs. Our Lord bids us in Matthew 5:32 “but I say unto you, that every one that putteth away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, maketh her an adulteress: and whosoever shall marry her when she is put away committeth adultery.” The lord also makes it clear in Matthew 19:9 that fornication is a sin as He allows for divorce in case of fornication. The Bible also lists other practices that are “abominations” to God (Le v. 18, Rom. 1:21-32, I Thess. 4:1-8, and I Cor. 6:12-20). These include homosexuality, bestiality, and incest which we have seen earlier. And last, there is a vast array of possible sexual practices for married couples that are not mentioned at all in Scripture (we can find no reference to Internet pornography, vibrators, or videos). So, since we aren’t likely to find a definitive answer, the best we can do is find the principles God has given us and apply them to the cultural setting we’re living in. As we look for those you may not be surprised to find that we’re not much different in the twenty-first century than how mankind has been since creation. We have the same anatomical equipment, the same physiologic hormones, the same mental capacity for lust and fantasy, and the same relational needs that have always driven men and women to seek sexual pleasure and intimacy. As Ecclesiastes says, “there is nothing new under the sun,” except maybe the vast array of new toys.
Marital sex is exclusively for married couples; one man to his wife
The scriptural demand and implication of becoming one flesh with one partner provides the best setting for satisfying sexual intimacy. Sex is neither a spectator sport for group indulgence nor an event to test a person's ability to score with multiple partners. Casual sex as a way to achieve physiologic relief of sexual tension only confirms that his or her ability to copulate is intact. Although providing some pleasure, it fails to meet the deeper need for intimacy that sex was designed to give. A couple in a long-term committed relationship enters into a more secure and trusting territory with each sexual encounter. In that bed sex can truly become "making love" rather than just having sex. Multiple partners create mistrust, performance anxiety, and comparison evaluations that are barriers to the deepest levels of intimacy. More over the scripture is clear about God’s prescription; one man to one wife (Genesis 2:24). Paul goes on to give reasons why a people should exercise monogamy 1Corinthians 7:2 “But, because of fornications, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.” It is not talking of one man to one woman but for married couples because this goes beyond the physical. It is a divine and spiritual relation.
Marital sex has to be mutual
Sex is designed to be mutual and scriptures make it clear that the husband should respond to the wife just as the wife should do for the husband. It is therefore supposed to be mutual; on agreement and with no force on any partner. Paul advices Christians in 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 “But, because of fornications, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render unto the wife her due: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power over her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power over his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be by consent for a season, that ye may give yourselves unto prayer, and may be together again, that Satan tempt you not because of your incontinency.” It is obvious to most couples early on that men and women are significantly different in their sexual interests and drives. Men usually have a desire for more frequent sex and greater variety in forms of sexual play. Women usually want more emotional connectedness through tender touch and conversation and prefer more consistent love-making technique. These differences often lead to tension over frequency of sex, and experimentation with different sources of stimulation. The couples have to develop mutual submissiveness in their relationship. Each individual will have ways to show respect and give a meaningful gift of love to his or her mate. We feel that giving that respect to each other is a huge way to guide your choices of sexual play in the direction of genuinely mature love. Each partner will have to make sacrifices for the sake of intimacy. There is not scriptural injunction about the frequency of intercourse and so this has to be determined by the couples on mutual agreements. The Old Testament command of not having intercourse during a woman's menstrual period does seem to have the medical benefit of avoiding some infectious processes. Leviticus 18:19 “And thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is impure by her uncleanness.” Paul's admonition in I Corinthians 7:5 not to withhold sex except by mutual consent seems to fit with this general principle of mutuality. It acknowledges the legitimacy of sexual desire and reinforces the boundary of sex within marriage.
Marital sex has to be pleasurable
Sexual play should be enjoyable! If an activity you're doing doesn't bring enjoyment to both partners it will cause resentment and distance between you. That's not part of the design for "becoming one flesh." It may be that some forms of your sexual play create pain for one or both of you. That should be evaluated medically. If something is creating discomfort, it is probably treatable (such as vaginitis or painful erections). This can certainly produce barriers to intimacy. Couples may exercise or want to exercise sadomasochism or bondage fantasies. This move sex from it’s design position which is that of selfless love into that of power or domination fantasies. In those neighbourhoods sex becomes an invasive, controlling behaviour in which one person is violated. That is a sexual perversion and is likely to create shame, humiliation, and ultimate devaluation of one (or both) partners. When domination is a necessary ingredient for sexual pleasure there tends to be development of tolerance to the level of excitation. Hence increasing levels of the stimulation are required for the same sense of gratification. This is seen in its extreme in pornography that includes rape and even murder as forms of sexual stimulation. This is therefore not biblically accepted because it has to come out of love and should be mutual hence pleasurable.
Marital sex is relational
One of the most destructive forces we're seeing these days is the increasing frequency of sexual addictive disorders. When having sexual release becomes an addiction driven to levels of compulsive behaviour, the relationship with a marriage partner may be replaced with various stimuli that are essentially fantasy based. We have seen men deeply hooked on Internet pornography (or other forms). They are compulsively driven to increasing exposure to pornographic stimulation and masturbatory release of sexual tension. We have seen women equally hooked on romance novels or chat-room sex talk for sexual release. These disorders displace the relational dimension of sexuality. Marital sex, if maintained at all, takes place mechanically with mental fantasies from the artificial relationships providing the only sexual stimulation. That robs marriage of the most crucial part of intimacy—the blend of relational and sexual connectedness. The use of pornographic films from whatever source introduces this possible danger into your sexuality. Explicit sexual materials can provide sexual excitement and arousal, but that form of stimulation may erode your enjoyment of each other. Those images may also create a basic sense of dissatisfaction with yourselves since most couples don't maintain or ever achieve the sensual appearance of porn actors and models. The whole industry is based on illusions and those lies can lead to death of your relationship as well as your sexual satisfaction.
It has to perpetuate genital union
We delight in sexual playfulness and creative ways to pleasure one another, but unless it is not physically possible for a couple, we think nothing you do should completely replace genital union. The symbolism of having the embrace of vagina to penis and total giving of the erect penis to the welcoming vaginal canal is a recurring reminder that we were created for each other. The intimacy of that connectedness should awaken our most primitive desire for oneness. To enjoy sexual release in that most passionate form of embrace welds us into oneness like few other experiences.
Sex rules are established to protect and enhance the maximum enjoyment of the gift of marriage. No one can make a list of does and don'ts which can be acceptable by all Christians especially that there are no specific rules about this in the Bible. Even though the bible is there for our spiritual upbringing, it still has some few guidelines on how he have to exercise our sex life in marriage. The teaching is like a guide rule so that we may not go astray. We’d like to point out the obvious—the Bible is not a manual on sexual technique. We’ve heard some people say that Song of Solomon describes acceptable sexual positions and behaviour. We see it as a poetic love song that clearly embraces the joy of sexual play. We don’t think it is an attempt to outline any specific sexual practices. There are some specific sexual behaviour that are forbidden in scriptures. Adultery, that is having sexual intercourse with another person’s spouse or a partner other than your own spouse, is a sin. Exodus 20:14 “Thou shalt not commit adultery.” Leviticus 20:10 “And the man that committeth adultery with another man's wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.” Jesus, in the Sermon on the Mount, deepens the importance of marital faithfulness by extending the prohibition of infidelity to include a lustful thought life as well as the physical act of intercourse. Looking into our minds and hearts is an important principle for safeguarding the delights of intimacy. Matthew 5:28 “but I say unto you, that every one that looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” Scripture is also clear about the evil of fornication—premarital sexual intercourse—which most of our culture accepts as normal and irresistible. We see many couples suffering from the consequences of their early promiscuity. The “sexual freedom” of our time isn’t free and usually carries some pretty heavy costs. Our Lord bids us in Matthew 5:32 “but I say unto you, that every one that putteth away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, maketh her an adulteress: and whosoever shall marry her when she is put away committeth adultery.” The lord also makes it clear in Matthew 19:9 that fornication is a sin as He allows for divorce in case of fornication. The Bible also lists other practices that are “abominations” to God (Le v. 18, Rom. 1:21-32, I Thess. 4:1-8, and I Cor. 6:12-20). These include homosexuality, bestiality, and incest which we have seen earlier. And last, there is a vast array of possible sexual practices for married couples that are not mentioned at all in Scripture (we can find no reference to Internet pornography, vibrators, or videos). So, since we aren’t likely to find a definitive answer, the best we can do is find the principles God has given us and apply them to the cultural setting we’re living in. As we look for those you may not be surprised to find that we’re not much different in the twenty-first century than how mankind has been since creation. We have the same anatomical equipment, the same physiologic hormones, the same mental capacity for lust and fantasy, and the same relational needs that have always driven men and women to seek sexual pleasure and intimacy. As Ecclesiastes says, “there is nothing new under the sun,” except maybe the vast array of new toys.
Marital sex is exclusively for married couples; one man to his wife
The scriptural demand and implication of becoming one flesh with one partner provides the best setting for satisfying sexual intimacy. Sex is neither a spectator sport for group indulgence nor an event to test a person's ability to score with multiple partners. Casual sex as a way to achieve physiologic relief of sexual tension only confirms that his or her ability to copulate is intact. Although providing some pleasure, it fails to meet the deeper need for intimacy that sex was designed to give. A couple in a long-term committed relationship enters into a more secure and trusting territory with each sexual encounter. In that bed sex can truly become "making love" rather than just having sex. Multiple partners create mistrust, performance anxiety, and comparison evaluations that are barriers to the deepest levels of intimacy. More over the scripture is clear about God’s prescription; one man to one wife (Genesis 2:24). Paul goes on to give reasons why a people should exercise monogamy 1Corinthians 7:2 “But, because of fornications, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.” It is not talking of one man to one woman but for married couples because this goes beyond the physical. It is a divine and spiritual relation.
Marital sex has to be mutual
Sex is designed to be mutual and scriptures make it clear that the husband should respond to the wife just as the wife should do for the husband. It is therefore supposed to be mutual; on agreement and with no force on any partner. Paul advices Christians in 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 “But, because of fornications, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render unto the wife her due: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power over her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power over his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be by consent for a season, that ye may give yourselves unto prayer, and may be together again, that Satan tempt you not because of your incontinency.” It is obvious to most couples early on that men and women are significantly different in their sexual interests and drives. Men usually have a desire for more frequent sex and greater variety in forms of sexual play. Women usually want more emotional connectedness through tender touch and conversation and prefer more consistent love-making technique. These differences often lead to tension over frequency of sex, and experimentation with different sources of stimulation. The couples have to develop mutual submissiveness in their relationship. Each individual will have ways to show respect and give a meaningful gift of love to his or her mate. We feel that giving that respect to each other is a huge way to guide your choices of sexual play in the direction of genuinely mature love. Each partner will have to make sacrifices for the sake of intimacy. There is not scriptural injunction about the frequency of intercourse and so this has to be determined by the couples on mutual agreements. The Old Testament command of not having intercourse during a woman's menstrual period does seem to have the medical benefit of avoiding some infectious processes. Leviticus 18:19 “And thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is impure by her uncleanness.” Paul's admonition in I Corinthians 7:5 not to withhold sex except by mutual consent seems to fit with this general principle of mutuality. It acknowledges the legitimacy of sexual desire and reinforces the boundary of sex within marriage.
Marital sex has to be pleasurable
Sexual play should be enjoyable! If an activity you're doing doesn't bring enjoyment to both partners it will cause resentment and distance between you. That's not part of the design for "becoming one flesh." It may be that some forms of your sexual play create pain for one or both of you. That should be evaluated medically. If something is creating discomfort, it is probably treatable (such as vaginitis or painful erections). This can certainly produce barriers to intimacy. Couples may exercise or want to exercise sadomasochism or bondage fantasies. This move sex from it’s design position which is that of selfless love into that of power or domination fantasies. In those neighbourhoods sex becomes an invasive, controlling behaviour in which one person is violated. That is a sexual perversion and is likely to create shame, humiliation, and ultimate devaluation of one (or both) partners. When domination is a necessary ingredient for sexual pleasure there tends to be development of tolerance to the level of excitation. Hence increasing levels of the stimulation are required for the same sense of gratification. This is seen in its extreme in pornography that includes rape and even murder as forms of sexual stimulation. This is therefore not biblically accepted because it has to come out of love and should be mutual hence pleasurable.
Marital sex is relational
One of the most destructive forces we're seeing these days is the increasing frequency of sexual addictive disorders. When having sexual release becomes an addiction driven to levels of compulsive behaviour, the relationship with a marriage partner may be replaced with various stimuli that are essentially fantasy based. We have seen men deeply hooked on Internet pornography (or other forms). They are compulsively driven to increasing exposure to pornographic stimulation and masturbatory release of sexual tension. We have seen women equally hooked on romance novels or chat-room sex talk for sexual release. These disorders displace the relational dimension of sexuality. Marital sex, if maintained at all, takes place mechanically with mental fantasies from the artificial relationships providing the only sexual stimulation. That robs marriage of the most crucial part of intimacy—the blend of relational and sexual connectedness. The use of pornographic films from whatever source introduces this possible danger into your sexuality. Explicit sexual materials can provide sexual excitement and arousal, but that form of stimulation may erode your enjoyment of each other. Those images may also create a basic sense of dissatisfaction with yourselves since most couples don't maintain or ever achieve the sensual appearance of porn actors and models. The whole industry is based on illusions and those lies can lead to death of your relationship as well as your sexual satisfaction.
It has to perpetuate genital union
We delight in sexual playfulness and creative ways to pleasure one another, but unless it is not physically possible for a couple, we think nothing you do should completely replace genital union. The symbolism of having the embrace of vagina to penis and total giving of the erect penis to the welcoming vaginal canal is a recurring reminder that we were created for each other. The intimacy of that connectedness should awaken our most primitive desire for oneness. To enjoy sexual release in that most passionate form of embrace welds us into oneness like few other experiences.
The role of the wife in a marital home
The role of the wife
Wives, you are not your husband’s Holy Spirit. Yes, you are his partner and you may need to “speak the truth in love” to him at times. But sometimes we do too much horizontal talking and not enough vertical talking to the Lord over matters that bother us about our husbands. Sometimes our words can get in the way of what God intends to do if they are said when our husband’s ears are not receptive to hearing what we have to say. It is not the responsibility of wives, to shame or accuse their husbands of not being spiritual enough (if they perceive their husbands are lacking). Galatians 6:1-5 instructs us on how to reproach a sinner. “Brethren, even if a man be overtaken in any trespass, ye who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; looking to thyself, lest thou also be tempted. Bear ye one another`s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ. For if a man thinketh himself to be something when he is nothing, he deceiveth himself. But let each man prove his own work, and then shall he have his glorying in regard of himself alone, and not of his neighbor. For each man shall bear his own burden.” This scripture teach us that we are to be gentle if we are to “restore him.” But we’re also warned to watch ourselves because we could be tempted to do what we shouldn’t (like saying more than we should, or saying it in the wrong manner or timing, or pointing out the “speck” in his eye when we have a “log” in our own eye). We should be careful of our own spiritual walk so that we aren’t hypocritical in our interactions. Don’t allow the problems you see in your husband to distract you from living Christ. If you feel you have to nag or berate your husband to get him to “wake up” spiritually, beware! You’re stepping into Holy Spirit’s territory. Be your husband’s prayer partner and ask the Lord to show you how to love him as “unto the Lord.” Know when to say something and when to be quiet. God will lead you as you draw close to Him and ask and receive.
The wife therefore has to love God, and draw closer to God. If she loves God she will obey the commands of God in her life and her relationships.
The wife has to love the husband. Titus 2:4-5 “that they may train the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, [to be] sober-minded, chaste, workers at home, kind, being in subjection to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed:”
She has to submit to the husband. The Bible says wives have to be subject to the husbands as unto the Lord. They should submit just as they would have done to the Lord. Ephesians 5:22 “Wives, [be in subjection] unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.” The wife is not supposed to be authoritative upon the husband because God has given this authority to the man who is submissive to God. Ephesians 5:18-33 also says Wives Must Submit to Husband's Loving Leadership. Though Paul starts out with ladies first, in the roles and responsibilities of the marriage partners, it is clear that the wife's submissiveness can and will be a response to the husband's godly and loving leadership. A husband is not to treat his wife as a servant or a child, but as an equal for whom God has given him the responsibility to care and provide for, to love and to protect. We are all submitting at some point. Wives are called to submit to the loving leadership for their husbands, and husbands are to bow to the needs of their wives. The issue is not superiority or inferiority. It is about sacrifice. It is about your mate. Most importantly, it is about obedience to God!
The wife has to dialogue with the husband (Not to only accept yes! Yes!). Dialogue breaks our ego-boundaries. It helps to clarify differences. When we dialogue, we make unique decisions and this is what God says we become one in flesh in our marriage though we are different individuals. Our background is not important to our marriage so it will be a wrong base for marriage. Education, profession, salary, family background et cetera are not requirements for our marriage. Since it is the man who takes care of the family with the help of the wife, she has to support; physically, financially, morally, and spiritually. Communication is very important in marriage.
Communicating effectively begins with discovering transparency. Transparency in marriage is described in Genesis before the fall: “The man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed” (Genesis 2:25). Adam and Eve were without disguise or covering, without any mask. They were uncovered physically, and they did not cover up emotionally. Before the fall, Adam and Eve were a picture of true transparency— being real, open to each other, and unafraid of rejection.But after the fall, we read, “They knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loin coverings” (Genesis 3:7). Those famous fig leaf aprons were only part of their cover-up. Sin introduced a lot more than modesty. It also brought deceit, lying, trickery, half-truths, manipulation, misrepresentation, distortion, hatred, jealousy, control, and many other vices, all causing us to wear masks. Many people spend tremendous time and energy building facades to hide their insecurities. They are afraid that if someone finds out who they really are, they will be rejected. For many men in particular, deep and honest communication can be very threatening. Too many wives and husbands are afraid to be honest with each other.The Scriptures, however, emphasize being open and vulnerable. Paul modeled transparency when he wrote to the Corinthians, many of whom were not exactly his admirers: “For out of much affliction and anguish of heart I wrote you with many tears; not that you should be made sorrowful, but that you might know the love which I have especially for you” (2 Corinthians 2:4). Paul was not afraid to weep or say, “I love you.” Jesus wept over the death of Lazarus (John 11:35) and lamented His rejection by hard-hearted Jerusalem (Luke 13:34).At the same time, Scripture warns about being too open and honest. Solomon wrote, “When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise” (Proverbs 10:19). Words can hurt. As Solomon also said, “There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18). If you’re a spouse who uses words rashly, then you would do well to “hold your tongue.”Many couples would improve their relationships if both partners would use words that are gentle and full of encouragement and praise. In marriage, partners need to affirm each other often. Deep communication takes most of us a long time to achieve. You or your spouse may have come from a family where open communication was discouraged or even punished. It may take years to reach a deep, satisfying level of transparency, but every couple needs to be headed in the right direction.You have to share your opinions; your ideas and judgment about things. You watch the other person carefully, and when you sense even the slightest question or rejection, you retreat. You also have to share your emotions with your partner but you must be careful not to hurt your spouse. But many marriages are in such need of sharing feelings that the risk must be taken. If you can’t share feelings with your spouse, your marriage is on superficial ground. You have to be completely open to your spouse in trust, commitment and friendship. You reserve the transparency level for your spouse and perhaps a few others who are very close to you. Becoming transparent with many people can be dangerous. For example, sharing too much of who you are with someone of the opposite sex can lead to an affair. When spouses reach the transparency level, they operate with oneness.
The husband is the head of the family. Like the brain which is in the head the husband does the calculation, thinking and decisions and the impulse are sent to the other parts of the body like the leg. The wife is like the leg that carries the body. Without the leg, the body will face difficulty in movement, but the leg has to do it on the orders of the brain. They are from one body, one gives the command and the other helps. The leg can not and should not give the command because the designer (God) did not intend it to be so.
Wives, you are not your husband’s Holy Spirit. Yes, you are his partner and you may need to “speak the truth in love” to him at times. But sometimes we do too much horizontal talking and not enough vertical talking to the Lord over matters that bother us about our husbands. Sometimes our words can get in the way of what God intends to do if they are said when our husband’s ears are not receptive to hearing what we have to say. It is not the responsibility of wives, to shame or accuse their husbands of not being spiritual enough (if they perceive their husbands are lacking). Galatians 6:1-5 instructs us on how to reproach a sinner. “Brethren, even if a man be overtaken in any trespass, ye who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; looking to thyself, lest thou also be tempted. Bear ye one another`s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ. For if a man thinketh himself to be something when he is nothing, he deceiveth himself. But let each man prove his own work, and then shall he have his glorying in regard of himself alone, and not of his neighbor. For each man shall bear his own burden.” This scripture teach us that we are to be gentle if we are to “restore him.” But we’re also warned to watch ourselves because we could be tempted to do what we shouldn’t (like saying more than we should, or saying it in the wrong manner or timing, or pointing out the “speck” in his eye when we have a “log” in our own eye). We should be careful of our own spiritual walk so that we aren’t hypocritical in our interactions. Don’t allow the problems you see in your husband to distract you from living Christ. If you feel you have to nag or berate your husband to get him to “wake up” spiritually, beware! You’re stepping into Holy Spirit’s territory. Be your husband’s prayer partner and ask the Lord to show you how to love him as “unto the Lord.” Know when to say something and when to be quiet. God will lead you as you draw close to Him and ask and receive.
The wife therefore has to love God, and draw closer to God. If she loves God she will obey the commands of God in her life and her relationships.
The wife has to love the husband. Titus 2:4-5 “that they may train the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, [to be] sober-minded, chaste, workers at home, kind, being in subjection to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed:”
She has to submit to the husband. The Bible says wives have to be subject to the husbands as unto the Lord. They should submit just as they would have done to the Lord. Ephesians 5:22 “Wives, [be in subjection] unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.” The wife is not supposed to be authoritative upon the husband because God has given this authority to the man who is submissive to God. Ephesians 5:18-33 also says Wives Must Submit to Husband's Loving Leadership. Though Paul starts out with ladies first, in the roles and responsibilities of the marriage partners, it is clear that the wife's submissiveness can and will be a response to the husband's godly and loving leadership. A husband is not to treat his wife as a servant or a child, but as an equal for whom God has given him the responsibility to care and provide for, to love and to protect. We are all submitting at some point. Wives are called to submit to the loving leadership for their husbands, and husbands are to bow to the needs of their wives. The issue is not superiority or inferiority. It is about sacrifice. It is about your mate. Most importantly, it is about obedience to God!
The wife has to dialogue with the husband (Not to only accept yes! Yes!). Dialogue breaks our ego-boundaries. It helps to clarify differences. When we dialogue, we make unique decisions and this is what God says we become one in flesh in our marriage though we are different individuals. Our background is not important to our marriage so it will be a wrong base for marriage. Education, profession, salary, family background et cetera are not requirements for our marriage. Since it is the man who takes care of the family with the help of the wife, she has to support; physically, financially, morally, and spiritually. Communication is very important in marriage.
Communicating effectively begins with discovering transparency. Transparency in marriage is described in Genesis before the fall: “The man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed” (Genesis 2:25). Adam and Eve were without disguise or covering, without any mask. They were uncovered physically, and they did not cover up emotionally. Before the fall, Adam and Eve were a picture of true transparency— being real, open to each other, and unafraid of rejection.But after the fall, we read, “They knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loin coverings” (Genesis 3:7). Those famous fig leaf aprons were only part of their cover-up. Sin introduced a lot more than modesty. It also brought deceit, lying, trickery, half-truths, manipulation, misrepresentation, distortion, hatred, jealousy, control, and many other vices, all causing us to wear masks. Many people spend tremendous time and energy building facades to hide their insecurities. They are afraid that if someone finds out who they really are, they will be rejected. For many men in particular, deep and honest communication can be very threatening. Too many wives and husbands are afraid to be honest with each other.The Scriptures, however, emphasize being open and vulnerable. Paul modeled transparency when he wrote to the Corinthians, many of whom were not exactly his admirers: “For out of much affliction and anguish of heart I wrote you with many tears; not that you should be made sorrowful, but that you might know the love which I have especially for you” (2 Corinthians 2:4). Paul was not afraid to weep or say, “I love you.” Jesus wept over the death of Lazarus (John 11:35) and lamented His rejection by hard-hearted Jerusalem (Luke 13:34).At the same time, Scripture warns about being too open and honest. Solomon wrote, “When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise” (Proverbs 10:19). Words can hurt. As Solomon also said, “There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18). If you’re a spouse who uses words rashly, then you would do well to “hold your tongue.”Many couples would improve their relationships if both partners would use words that are gentle and full of encouragement and praise. In marriage, partners need to affirm each other often. Deep communication takes most of us a long time to achieve. You or your spouse may have come from a family where open communication was discouraged or even punished. It may take years to reach a deep, satisfying level of transparency, but every couple needs to be headed in the right direction.You have to share your opinions; your ideas and judgment about things. You watch the other person carefully, and when you sense even the slightest question or rejection, you retreat. You also have to share your emotions with your partner but you must be careful not to hurt your spouse. But many marriages are in such need of sharing feelings that the risk must be taken. If you can’t share feelings with your spouse, your marriage is on superficial ground. You have to be completely open to your spouse in trust, commitment and friendship. You reserve the transparency level for your spouse and perhaps a few others who are very close to you. Becoming transparent with many people can be dangerous. For example, sharing too much of who you are with someone of the opposite sex can lead to an affair. When spouses reach the transparency level, they operate with oneness.
The husband is the head of the family. Like the brain which is in the head the husband does the calculation, thinking and decisions and the impulse are sent to the other parts of the body like the leg. The wife is like the leg that carries the body. Without the leg, the body will face difficulty in movement, but the leg has to do it on the orders of the brain. They are from one body, one gives the command and the other helps. The leg can not and should not give the command because the designer (God) did not intend it to be so.
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