Repairing Trust in Your Relationship(Marriage)

Repairing Trust in Your Relationship

Humans with their sinful nature at some point proof to be untrustworthy and this has to be rebuilt. It sometimes needs just a remodelling or rebuilding process to make up for the trust. Some people at times feel that certain relationships are not worth rebuilding and they feel cutting it off but this is never the case with marriage. One of the purposes of marriage is to teach us how to rebuild trust when it is broken.The first thing to do in repairing trust is to make a sincere confession of the truth. If it be betrayal, the betrayer has to first confess the whole truth. The whole truth does not mean every intimate detail that puts too much of a burden on the shoulders of the betrayed spouse. The rule of thumb on how much to confess is this: If I want to seriously rebuild trust with my spouse, I confess anything that, if it were to found out later, would undermine the rebuilding of trust. If information has been withheld in the form of a secret, or if one spouse has been lied to about anything, the need for a sincere confession of the truth always marks the starting point. Couples who try to sweep any kind of lie under the carpet risk lessening, or even losing, the intimacy they long for. The primer point in this step is to confess to God the creator (of course confession must come with repentance else it is not necessary), and to make a commitment not to come back to it.Next, the betrayer has to be completely open to the partner or the betrayed, for the purpose of healing. The spouse who has had an affair has given up control of his or her life at least for as long as it takes to rebuild trust. He or she gives up control by becoming an open book to his/her spouse. No secrets allowed. Cell phone bills, travel itineraries, whereabouts at any given point in time, complete accessibility, all of these are part of our becoming open to our spouse about all aspects of our life. Anything less than complete openness restricts the rebuilding of trust. There can be nothing that remains hidden, or else when it is found out, and it will be, it will destroy the trust that was re-established. And the second time trust is breached is more serious. There is the old adage that says, ‘Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.’ Few marriages can survive the ‘fool me twice’ syndrome. The betrayer must also be sorrowful about his/her act. Without it, it’s like building a brick wall without cement. The goal of rebuilding trust is that at some point there is genuine sorrow on the part of the one who lived the lie, and genuine forgiveness on the part of the one betrayed. Without both of these conditions, the marital reconciliation is going to be very superficial and very unsatisfying to both parties. Again, the principle is the same, even for the little lie of omission, or the little white lie. When confronted by your spouse, you need to confess the truth, become completely open about the subject, and show genuine sorrow for the betrayal. Every lie in a marriage is a form of betrayal, and so regardless of the seriousness of the betrayal, the process is the same. You have to be patient in rebuilding trust. The length of time needed depends on the seriousness of the offence. A small lie of omission may take a couple of days, whereas an affair may take a year or two just to get to level ground again. So rebuilding means both the offender and the offended need to be patient with the process.

Marital Sex

Marital Sex
Sex rules are established to protect and enhance the maximum enjoyment of the gift of marriage. No one can make a list of does and don'ts which can be acceptable by all Christians especially that there are no specific rules about this in the Bible. Even though the bible is there for our spiritual upbringing, it still has some few guidelines on how he have to exercise our sex life in marriage. The teaching is like a guide rule so that we may not go astray. We’d like to point out the obvious—the Bible is not a manual on sexual technique. We’ve heard some people say that Song of Solomon describes acceptable sexual positions and behaviour. We see it as a poetic love song that clearly embraces the joy of sexual play. We don’t think it is an attempt to outline any specific sexual practices. There are some specific sexual behaviour that are forbidden in scriptures. Adultery, that is having sexual intercourse with another person’s spouse or a partner other than your own spouse, is a sin. Exodus 20:14 “Thou shalt not commit adultery.” Leviticus 20:10 “And the man that committeth adultery with another man's wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.” Jesus, in the Sermon on the Mount, deepens the importance of marital faithfulness by extending the prohibition of infidelity to include a lustful thought life as well as the physical act of intercourse. Looking into our minds and hearts is an important principle for safeguarding the delights of intimacy. Matthew 5:28 “but I say unto you, that every one that looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” Scripture is also clear about the evil of fornication—premarital sexual intercourse—which most of our culture accepts as normal and irresistible. We see many couples suffering from the consequences of their early promiscuity. The “sexual freedom” of our time isn’t free and usually carries some pretty heavy costs. Our Lord bids us in Matthew 5:32 “but I say unto you, that every one that putteth away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, maketh her an adulteress: and whosoever shall marry her when she is put away committeth adultery.” The lord also makes it clear in Matthew 19:9 that fornication is a sin as He allows for divorce in case of fornication. The Bible also lists other practices that are “abominations” to God (Le v. 18, Rom. 1:21-32, I Thess. 4:1-8, and I Cor. 6:12-20). These include homosexuality, bestiality, and incest which we have seen earlier. And last, there is a vast array of possible sexual practices for married couples that are not mentioned at all in Scripture (we can find no reference to Internet pornography, vibrators, or videos). So, since we aren’t likely to find a definitive answer, the best we can do is find the principles God has given us and apply them to the cultural setting we’re living in. As we look for those you may not be surprised to find that we’re not much different in the twenty-first century than how mankind has been since creation. We have the same anatomical equipment, the same physiologic hormones, the same mental capacity for lust and fantasy, and the same relational needs that have always driven men and women to seek sexual pleasure and intimacy. As Ecclesiastes says, “there is nothing new under the sun,” except maybe the vast array of new toys.
Marital sex is exclusively for married couples; one man to his wife
The scriptural demand and implication of becoming one flesh with one partner provides the best setting for satisfying sexual intimacy. Sex is neither a spectator sport for group indulgence nor an event to test a person's ability to score with multiple partners. Casual sex as a way to achieve physiologic relief of sexual tension only confirms that his or her ability to copulate is intact. Although providing some pleasure, it fails to meet the deeper need for intimacy that sex was designed to give. A couple in a long-term committed relationship enters into a more secure and trusting territory with each sexual encounter. In that bed sex can truly become "making love" rather than just having sex. Multiple partners create mistrust, performance anxiety, and comparison evaluations that are barriers to the deepest levels of intimacy. More over the scripture is clear about God’s prescription; one man to one wife (Genesis 2:24). Paul goes on to give reasons why a people should exercise monogamy 1Corinthians 7:2 “But, because of fornications, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.” It is not talking of one man to one woman but for married couples because this goes beyond the physical. It is a divine and spiritual relation.
Marital sex has to be mutual
Sex is designed to be mutual and scriptures make it clear that the husband should respond to the wife just as the wife should do for the husband. It is therefore supposed to be mutual; on agreement and with no force on any partner. Paul advices Christians in 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 “But, because of fornications, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render unto the wife her due: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power over her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power over his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be by consent for a season, that ye may give yourselves unto prayer, and may be together again, that Satan tempt you not because of your incontinency.” It is obvious to most couples early on that men and women are significantly different in their sexual interests and drives. Men usually have a desire for more frequent sex and greater variety in forms of sexual play. Women usually want more emotional connectedness through tender touch and conversation and prefer more consistent love-making technique. These differences often lead to tension over frequency of sex, and experimentation with different sources of stimulation. The couples have to develop mutual submissiveness in their relationship. Each individual will have ways to show respect and give a meaningful gift of love to his or her mate. We feel that giving that respect to each other is a huge way to guide your choices of sexual play in the direction of genuinely mature love. Each partner will have to make sacrifices for the sake of intimacy. There is not scriptural injunction about the frequency of intercourse and so this has to be determined by the couples on mutual agreements. The Old Testament command of not having intercourse during a woman's menstrual period does seem to have the medical benefit of avoiding some infectious processes. Leviticus 18:19 “And thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is impure by her uncleanness.” Paul's admonition in I Corinthians 7:5 not to withhold sex except by mutual consent seems to fit with this general principle of mutuality. It acknowledges the legitimacy of sexual desire and reinforces the boundary of sex within marriage.
Marital sex has to be pleasurable
Sexual play should be enjoyable! If an activity you're doing doesn't bring enjoyment to both partners it will cause resentment and distance between you. That's not part of the design for "becoming one flesh." It may be that some forms of your sexual play create pain for one or both of you. That should be evaluated medically. If something is creating discomfort, it is probably treatable (such as vaginitis or painful erections). This can certainly produce barriers to intimacy. Couples may exercise or want to exercise sadomasochism or bondage fantasies. This move sex from it’s design position which is that of selfless love into that of power or domination fantasies. In those neighbourhoods sex becomes an invasive, controlling behaviour in which one person is violated. That is a sexual perversion and is likely to create shame, humiliation, and ultimate devaluation of one (or both) partners. When domination is a necessary ingredient for sexual pleasure there tends to be development of tolerance to the level of excitation. Hence increasing levels of the stimulation are required for the same sense of gratification. This is seen in its extreme in pornography that includes rape and even murder as forms of sexual stimulation. This is therefore not biblically accepted because it has to come out of love and should be mutual hence pleasurable.
Marital sex is relational
One of the most destructive forces we're seeing these days is the increasing frequency of sexual addictive disorders. When having sexual release becomes an addiction driven to levels of compulsive behaviour, the relationship with a marriage partner may be replaced with various stimuli that are essentially fantasy based. We have seen men deeply hooked on Internet pornography (or other forms). They are compulsively driven to increasing exposure to pornographic stimulation and masturbatory release of sexual tension. We have seen women equally hooked on romance novels or chat-room sex talk for sexual release. These disorders displace the relational dimension of sexuality. Marital sex, if maintained at all, takes place mechanically with mental fantasies from the artificial relationships providing the only sexual stimulation. That robs marriage of the most crucial part of intimacy—the blend of relational and sexual connectedness. The use of pornographic films from whatever source introduces this possible danger into your sexuality. Explicit sexual materials can provide sexual excitement and arousal, but that form of stimulation may erode your enjoyment of each other. Those images may also create a basic sense of dissatisfaction with yourselves since most couples don't maintain or ever achieve the sensual appearance of porn actors and models. The whole industry is based on illusions and those lies can lead to death of your relationship as well as your sexual satisfaction.
It has to perpetuate genital union
We delight in sexual playfulness and creative ways to pleasure one another, but unless it is not physically possible for a couple, we think nothing you do should completely replace genital union. The symbolism of having the embrace of vagina to penis and total giving of the erect penis to the welcoming vaginal canal is a recurring reminder that we were created for each other. The intimacy of that connectedness should awaken our most primitive desire for oneness. To enjoy sexual release in that most passionate form of embrace welds us into oneness like few other experiences.

The role of the wife in a marital home

The role of the wife

Wives, you are not your husband’s Holy Spirit. Yes, you are his partner and you may need to “speak the truth in love” to him at times. But sometimes we do too much horizontal talking and not enough vertical talking to the Lord over matters that bother us about our husbands. Sometimes our words can get in the way of what God intends to do if they are said when our husband’s ears are not receptive to hearing what we have to say. It is not the responsibility of wives, to shame or accuse their husbands of not being spiritual enough (if they perceive their husbands are lacking). Galatians 6:1-5 instructs us on how to reproach a sinner. “Brethren, even if a man be overtaken in any trespass, ye who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; looking to thyself, lest thou also be tempted. Bear ye one another`s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ. For if a man thinketh himself to be something when he is nothing, he deceiveth himself. But let each man prove his own work, and then shall he have his glorying in regard of himself alone, and not of his neighbor. For each man shall bear his own burden.” This scripture teach us that we are to be gentle if we are to “restore him.” But we’re also warned to watch ourselves because we could be tempted to do what we shouldn’t (like saying more than we should, or saying it in the wrong manner or timing, or pointing out the “speck” in his eye when we have a “log” in our own eye). We should be careful of our own spiritual walk so that we aren’t hypocritical in our interactions. Don’t allow the problems you see in your husband to distract you from living Christ. If you feel you have to nag or berate your husband to get him to “wake up” spiritually, beware! You’re stepping into Holy Spirit’s territory. Be your husband’s prayer partner and ask the Lord to show you how to love him as “unto the Lord.” Know when to say something and when to be quiet. God will lead you as you draw close to Him and ask and receive.

The wife therefore has to love God, and draw closer to God. If she loves God she will obey the commands of God in her life and her relationships.

The wife has to love the husband. Titus 2:4-5 “that they may train the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, [to be] sober-minded, chaste, workers at home, kind, being in subjection to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed:”

She has to submit to the husband. The Bible says wives have to be subject to the husbands as unto the Lord. They should submit just as they would have done to the Lord. Ephesians 5:22 “Wives, [be in subjection] unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.” The wife is not supposed to be authoritative upon the husband because God has given this authority to the man who is submissive to God. Ephesians 5:18-33 also says Wives Must Submit to Husband's Loving Leadership. Though Paul starts out with ladies first, in the roles and responsibilities of the marriage partners, it is clear that the wife's submissiveness can and will be a response to the husband's godly and loving leadership. A husband is not to treat his wife as a servant or a child, but as an equal for whom God has given him the responsibility to care and provide for, to love and to protect. We are all submitting at some point. Wives are called to submit to the loving leadership for their husbands, and husbands are to bow to the needs of their wives. The issue is not superiority or inferiority. It is about sacrifice. It is about your mate. Most importantly, it is about obedience to God!

The wife has to dialogue with the husband (Not to only accept yes! Yes!). Dialogue breaks our ego-boundaries. It helps to clarify differences. When we dialogue, we make unique decisions and this is what God says we become one in flesh in our marriage though we are different individuals. Our background is not important to our marriage so it will be a wrong base for marriage. Education, profession, salary, family background et cetera are not requirements for our marriage. Since it is the man who takes care of the family with the help of the wife, she has to support; physically, financially, morally, and spiritually. Communication is very important in marriage.

Communicating effectively begins with discovering transparency. Transparency in marriage is described in Genesis before the fall: “The man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed” (Genesis 2:25). Adam and Eve were without disguise or covering, without any mask. They were uncovered physically, and they did not cover up emotionally. Before the fall, Adam and Eve were a picture of true transparency— being real, open to each other, and unafraid of rejection.But after the fall, we read, “They knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loin coverings” (Genesis 3:7). Those famous fig leaf aprons were only part of their cover-up. Sin introduced a lot more than modesty. It also brought deceit, lying, trickery, half-truths, manipulation, misrepresentation, distortion, hatred, jealousy, control, and many other vices, all causing us to wear masks. Many people spend tremendous time and energy building facades to hide their insecurities. They are afraid that if someone finds out who they really are, they will be rejected. For many men in particular, deep and honest communication can be very threatening. Too many wives and husbands are afraid to be honest with each other.The Scriptures, however, emphasize being open and vulnerable. Paul modeled transparency when he wrote to the Corinthians, many of whom were not exactly his admirers: “For out of much affliction and anguish of heart I wrote you with many tears; not that you should be made sorrowful, but that you might know the love which I have especially for you” (2 Corinthians 2:4). Paul was not afraid to weep or say, “I love you.” Jesus wept over the death of Lazarus (John 11:35) and lamented His rejection by hard-hearted Jerusalem (Luke 13:34).At the same time, Scripture warns about being too open and honest. Solomon wrote, “When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise” (Proverbs 10:19). Words can hurt. As Solomon also said, “There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18). If you’re a spouse who uses words rashly, then you would do well to “hold your tongue.”Many couples would improve their relationships if both partners would use words that are gentle and full of encouragement and praise. In marriage, partners need to affirm each other often. Deep communication takes most of us a long time to achieve. You or your spouse may have come from a family where open communication was discouraged or even punished. It may take years to reach a deep, satisfying level of transparency, but every couple needs to be headed in the right direction.You have to share your opinions; your ideas and judgment about things. You watch the other person carefully, and when you sense even the slightest question or rejection, you retreat. You also have to share your emotions with your partner but you must be careful not to hurt your spouse. But many marriages are in such need of sharing feelings that the risk must be taken. If you can’t share feelings with your spouse, your marriage is on superficial ground. You have to be completely open to your spouse in trust, commitment and friendship. You reserve the transparency level for your spouse and perhaps a few others who are very close to you. Becoming transparent with many people can be dangerous. For example, sharing too much of who you are with someone of the opposite sex can lead to an affair. When spouses reach the transparency level, they operate with oneness.

The husband is the head of the family. Like the brain which is in the head the husband does the calculation, thinking and decisions and the impulse are sent to the other parts of the body like the leg. The wife is like the leg that carries the body. Without the leg, the body will face difficulty in movement, but the leg has to do it on the orders of the brain. They are from one body, one gives the command and the other helps. The leg can not and should not give the command because the designer (God) did not intend it to be so.

The Role of the man in a marital home

The Role of the man in a marital home

Considering the fact that the man is the head of the family, the responsibilities of the man to his wife is manifold. If your marriage turns out to be successful, it is because you have played your own part well although God is the ultimate builder of all things including your marriage. “For every house is builded by some one; but he that built all things is God” (Hebrews 3:4). If however your marriage is not successful, God is not to be blamed, because He always keeps His own side of the covenant. The safety of your marriage had been delivered into your hand even before you got married. The problem is that of lack of adequate knowledge of this coupled with the inability to understand the operation of the safety measure. The man is the head of the home although this is not to say that the woman is inferior to the man God said "For the husband is the head of the wife as also Christ is the head of the church..."( Ephesians 5:23) The man is like the first among equals and he is to take final decision on any matter concerning any area in the marriage where there had been divergence of views among the man and the woman that is why God also said that each one should submit to the other man or woman. "Submitting to one another in the fear of God..." (Ephesians 5:21). Here the Bible is talking of all humans, man and woman.

The man should in the first place love God and submit to God in order to love the wife with the kind of love God wants. If the man loves God he will not only love his wife for sex or for her abilities or profession or what so ever. We should note that in marriage the sexual (eros) life can only be strong if we rely on the love of God (Agape). The man who lives by his ego, one who is wrapped up in his own importance, has no capacity for love. The control of God the Holy Spirit in the believer's life eliminates this ego lust pattern in the believer.

Secondly, the man has to love his wife just as Christ loves the church. Many people take this statement very casual and they do not look at the implications behind it. In order to get this right we have to ask ourselves this question. How does Christ love His church? Ephesians 5:25_29: “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself up for it; that he might sanctify it, having cleansed it by the washing of water with the word, that he might present the church to himself a glorious [church], not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
Even so ought husbands also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his own wife loveth himself: for no man ever hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as Christ also the church;” Wherever love is present it can not be hidden, it can be seen, it can be read, it can be heard, and it can be felt. "Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church..." How well do you love your wife? Where there is no love effective leadership becomes unattainable. Love and control are two sides of the same coin. If you want to be in effective control of your home, you need to use the weapon of love. Ask yourself, "Do I really love my wife? Where there is love, selfishness does not exist! You can only save your marriage easily in an atmosphere of love. The love that I am referring to here is unconditional love that is, the love that is not affected by the action, words or behaviour of your wife. It is love like the love of God towards man in spite of mans sins against God's instructions and words.

Thirdly, the man has to protect his wife (and in general his family). Christ loved the church and gave his life for the church. He protects the church because of his love, so men are called to protect their wives. God was not a full to make man stronger than the woman. He gave the man a developed chest and strength to take care of his wife and family. The wife has to feel this protection to experience the real love that the man gives. The wife needs moral protection, physical protection, mental protection, et cetera. The wife should support the man in this duty by submitting to the husband as the church is called to do same to Christ. Some men want their wife to assume the role of a mother to them, to give care and protection and attention to them as a mother would. So, instead of the man giving, he demands this protection. This type of a man has not grown up and thinks only of what he can get, not what he can give. She needs to have a sense of security which comes from knowing that he makes decisions which are good, that he has good judgment; this develops respect, true love demands that as one of its ingredients.

Fourthly, the man has to care and provide for his family including his wife. The provision is for food, shelter, clothing, health and other welfare needs. However, it is not to stress the man financially it is to be done according to his financial capabilities based upon his monthly income. What if the wife earns more than the husband? She has to support the man even financially and she should always have in mind that the man is the head of the family. At no time should she think, because she is the one providing, she can rise above the man; she has to submit to the husband as the Bible prescribes. The man is expected to personally and consciously work towards increasing his income to improve the welfare of his family. The man will need to get additional means of income. Build your home and marriage on unconditional love, it will save your marriage from breakdown and you also will be happy with your wife and you would have pleased God by discharging your God given responsibilities. The man has to give to his wife Sex, living, conversation, Protection, fellowship, understanding, and every other facet of life.

Next, the man has to initiate and develop the spirit of dialogue with his wife. The woman was made for the man, to please him, and the woman is never complete without the man. The woman only becomes complex when she has nothing to respond to. 1 Corinthians 11:7-9, "For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man. For the man is not of the woman; but the woman for the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man." The husband should initiate love, mental attitude love, expressing itself in conversation, and behaviour pattern, as well as sex.

The sixth point is that the husband should have time for his wife and family. The whole life of a woman is centred in her husband, while the husband has many interests. The wife wants to feel wanted and protected. Her security is in the love of her husband, not in the money he earns or his social prestige except she does not really love the man. Marriage does not give the man the right of being a bully, or a brute, one who demands their rights as the head of the house with never a "Thank you." Nor does it give the wife the right to spend a lifetime trying to straighten out her husband, and to mould him into the image of her own idealism. A woman must be free and have freedom to respond to her own husband's love, for without freedom, she will not have the desire. A woman's desire toward her husband must be correlated with her volition, her free will. A man who eliminates a woman's free will, volition, destroys the whole mental attitude picture.

The seventh point is that the man has to give the wife the spiritual needs. What do I mean by this? We have just seen in Ephesians 5:26 that Christ cleansed the church by the washing of water with the word. To wash our wives in the Word doesn’t mean preaching to her. That can make her feel like a child if she doesn’t appreciate this. But it’s communicating the gospel with and without words. Even if your wife is hostile to your sharing the word of God with her, you can still pray a blessing silently over her and ask God to show you how to bond you closer together. Read scripture together. You can do this even a few verses or chapters at a time, and then share insights that come to mind. When God teaches you or you learn something from His Word, be sure to share that with your wife. It may bless and enrich her life as well. Ask your wife how you can be praying for her throughout the day while you’re apart. Start the day by praying together (and/or end the day by praying together). This will greatly enrich your marriage with your wife. As we take spiritual responsibility in our marriages, we may find that other problem areas will begin to resolve themselves as well. And men: love your wife enough to resist the temptation to chastise your wife if she isn’t doing what she is supposed to do as we see next.

Repentance

We are called to repentance to receive the forgiveness in Jesus Christ (Luke 24:47; cf. Acts2:38) as a mark of a true Christian. Because of deceit (Jeremiah 17:9), people consider themselves as christians without any repentance which comes from the heart convicted of offending a holy God. Repentance is an inward change of mind, affections, convictions, and commitment rooted in the fear of God and sorrow to God for offenses committed against Him. This is accompanied by faith in Jesus Christ, given by God (Acts 11:18) and is never regretted (2 Corinthians 7:10). A truly repentant person would not relent but persist as we find in the repentant brother in 1 Corinthians 5 though the Corinthian church went to extreme in dealing the sinning brother (2 Corinthians 2:1-11) they were wrong in receiving the repentant brother but the motive was correct (2 Corinthians 7:5-11). A truly repentant person would try to repair any damage incurred as we find in the life of Zaccheus in Luke 19:1-10. A truly repentant person will not search for honour for himself when seeking to be restored as we find in the example of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32) who saw that he was no longer worthy.
Sorrow for sin committed is necessary but does not mean repentance, but repentance comes from a godly sorrow (2Corinthians 7:9) which will focus more on moral failure than just on consequences of sin (Psalm 51). True repentance does not fight or resist natural consequences as Saul did in his life as Samuel made it clear to Saul (1 Samuel 15:28). Despite of the declarations Saul continually fought David’s rise (1Samuel 24:20); he was so concerned about the consequences of his sin than his own sinfulness.

Moral and Non-Moral Issues

Jesus calls us to love the Lord with all our heart, soul and mind (Matthew 22:37-38) so that we can obey Him (John 14:21). To know what God requires of us to obey (Moral issues) is essential to Christian life. We have to be careful to discern when an action is sinful from when it is not because all actions may be sin but only some actions are necessarily sin. We also have sinful religious actions such as quoting Scripture (Matthew 4:1-9), giving (Matthew 6:2; Acts 5:1-11) and praying (Matthew 6:5; Luke 18:9-14).

To go about this it is essential to distinguish between moral and non-moral issues as we are called to rebuke a brethren when necessary (Matthew 18:15-17; Galatians 6:1-2; 1 Thessalonians 5:14; 2 Timothy 4:2) to help one another. In order to do this we must know which actions are sinful and which are not as we find the scripture insisting on removing a sinful person from the fellowship (1 Corinthians 5) whereas Romans 14 calls the Christians not to pass judgement on non-sinful practices of others. In Roman 14 Paul described those who limited their freedom as being weak; they are just immature and their actions are not sinful. This distinction is necessary so that we do not unrighteously pass judgment on the freedoms of others and fall short of God’s will by approving sinful acts just like the Pharisees (Matthew 15:1-20; Matthew 23:13-36).

In order to distinguish between moral and non-moral issues, we have to distinguish between actual sin and potential sin. It is good for us to limit the possibility of us falling into sin (Proverbs 10:19), even though the possibility of sin is not sin itself. But it is wrong to judge anyone of sin when they have not sin, so should allow them exercise their freedom in non-moral issues (Romans 14:1-4). So a decision that may lead to sin is not morally wrong; examples being forbidding drinking wine in order to avoid the sin of drunkenness (Ephesians 5:18; cf. 1 Timothy 5:23), forbidding incurring debt in order to avoid defaulting on a loan (Romans 13:8) and forbidding a person to quit their job in order to avoid failing to support his family (1 Timothy 5:8). The same is seen with the Pharisees in order to obey the command to keep the Sabbath day holy (Exodus 20:8), they declared any activity including doing good unlawful (Matthew 12:1-14).

We have to also consider those things that are always wrong and those that are wrong only in certain circumstances. If we find ourselves in a certain culture certain things viewed moral may be immoral or offense by one party (1 Corinthians 10:32). Even within the same culture people still view issues differently. Example being how some people view lateness as being rude. Some actions which are not wrong may become wrong if a negative perception is given to it and an offense is taken; but when offense is taken at God’s work we are not guilty (Mark 6:3).

Associating with evil is not the same as practicing evil. The Pharisees accused Jesus of associating with sinners, but they failed to know that participating in a non-sinful thing such as eating does not make one sin (Mark 2:16). Associating or identifying with sinners does not mean practicing sin and it is not sinful (1 Corinthians 9:19-23). The New King James version and other popular modern translations quotes 1 Thessalonians 5:22, as “abstain from every form of evil” not to abstain from all appearance of evil. So we are to abstain from evil not from what other people think is evil. We have to relate with sinners for the sake of the gospel, the forgiveness of sin as Paul teaches (1 Corinthians 5:10; 9:19-23) and as Jesus practiced (Mark 2:15-16; Luke 15:2).

Jesus teaches that His actions are examples (John 13:15), and Peter confirms this (1 Peter 2:21), just as Paul teaches us to follow his examples as he follows Jesus’ examples (1 Corinthians 11:1; Philippians 3:17; 4:9). These are in regards to righteousness and not matters of choice which is determined by circumstances. Example being that the apostles did not choose the replacement for Juda (Acts 1) in the same way that Jesus did for them. So what is prescribed is not what is described. If we say we should only do what Jesus did, then we should not drive cars because Jesus did not drive a car. This is done in many areas such as how to send people for missionary work, how to confront church leaders, why alleged miraculous gifts are valid and how to know God’s will. We should therefore experience the teaching of the apostles, not teach the experience of the apostles.

The Old testament is inspired by God, useful for teaching, reproof, correction and training in righteousness (2 Timothy 3:16) but it was not given specifically to govern the church. It is useful today to teach on God’s relationship with His people Israel (Romans 15:4; 1 Corinthians 10:6-11). We are not under the law of Moses (Romans 6:14; 7:1-6) for Christ is the end for those who believe (Romans 10:4); so we should not put a yoke on disciples which no one can bear (Acts 15:10). Examples today are cases where people hold on the 10% tithe of the Old Testament rather than the New Testament teaching of giving (2 Corinthians 9) or the demand to keep the Sabbath day (Saturday) or the Lord’s day (Sunday) be kept holy rather than teaching our freedom to hold every day alike (Romans 14:5; Colossians 2:16-17).

What is wrong for us and what is wrong for others are not the same. Most commands of the New Testament are subjective not objective and focuses on the heart not the behaviour resulting from the heart. The command of husbands to love their wives (Ephesians 5:25) will have many potential personal applications but it must have the application of not divorcing her (except in instances of adultery or desertion). The principle of honouring all men and specifically our leaders is imperative (2 Peter 2:13-17) but honour must be expressed by submission to our leaders (except in instances when they order us to sin). Most New Testament commands are also positive but not measurable. Examples are: Loving, serving, giving, praying, exhorting, teaching, etc. are all commanded. Everyone person commits sins of omission by failing to do each of these commands faithfully (James 4:17). It is therefore judge when sin of omission has occurred for other people. Paul’s teaching in 2Corinthians 9:7 on giving is therefore a good guide for us on subjective commands.

When there is leadership responsibility, we have the role of making decisions that affect others; decisions may be rightly made that limit the freedom of others. When we have a God-given leadership role with responsibility for others it is different when we do not have. This will guide us not to wrongly accuse people of sin when they are calling us to limit our freedom on the basis of their leadership.

Some issues not explicitly stated as sin are sin. If an action which is not morally wrong is perceived as wrong by a person, he should not sin against his conscience (cf. Romans 14). In another case a person’s conscience may lead him to think that a sinful action is not morally wrong, here he must submit his view to the word of God. The second case is when a certain action necessarily leads to sin in all ways. An example is abortion which is not specifically stated in scripture. Since it is the intentional taking away of an innocent life, it is morally equivalent to sin. This is an action that must result in sin, so it is sin itself.

The Christian’s Obligation to the Law of Moses

The word of God is to be obeyed but some of the Old Testament laws are challenging to apply such as the law of capital punishment for incorrigible children (Exodus 21:18-21), adultery (Leviticus20:10) and false teachers (Deuteronomy 13:1-11). The question whether it is wrong for a man to trim his beards (Leviticus 19:27) or whether he can wear clothes mixed with linen and wool (Deuteronomy 22:11) also comes in. some Old Testament laws have been specifically discontinued while many have been repeated in the New Testament. Many Christians choose which to follow from the Old Testament. It was in the meeting in Jerusalem that the apostles and elders clarified on how to apply the Old Testament to the church.

On the issue of circumcision, they discussed on how the law of Moses applies to the life of a Christian (Acts 15:6). Worth noting that salvation is by faith from the preaching of the church from the beginning as Peter’s testimony (Acts 10-11) confirm that circumcision and the law of Moses were not required in contrast to the worries of the Pharisees (Acts 15:5). But the directions given to the Gentiles were to abstain from fornication (1 Corinthians 6:18; Galatians 5:19; Ephesians 5:3), from blood, from things strangled and from things sacrificed to idols (1 Corinthians 10:25-29; 32). In respect to fornication, it was sinful but the other practices were not inherently sinful but would, in the Jewish context, be a provocation; as we find Jesus saying all food is clean (Mark 7:19) in addition to Peter’s vision (Acts 10-11).

We also note the Christians are not under the mosaic law because it was only given to Israel and not to the church. The church is distinct from Israel chronologically as Jesus spoke of the church as future (Matthew 16:18) in his earthly ministry, the coming of the Holy spirit (Acts 1:5) and its fulfilment (Acts 11:15-16); and since the baptism of the Holy spirit is putting Christian into the body of Christ (1 Corinthians 12:13) which is the church (Colossians 1:18) we can say the church did not exist until the Pentecost (Acts 2). The establishment of Christ is the cornerstone of the church (Ephesians 2:20-23) and the church is delivered to him at the rapture (1 Thessalonians 4:16-18), as the dead are raised in Christ; unique with the church and not Israel as the Old testament people will also be raised according to Daniel 12:2. In addition to the distinction in chronology, the church is distinct from Israel in Citations. After the church was established Israel is referenced as distinct from the Gentiles (Acts 3:12; 4:8-10; 5:21-35 and 21:28; 1 Corinthians 10:32; Romans 10:1). The Jews and non-Jews who believed in the church age are one body, the church (Ephesians 2:11-23; Colossians 3:11), and the non believing Jews are still a distinct people for whom God has a special plan (Romans 11). The church is not the people to whom the mosaic law was made and so the law does not apply to the church. The commands of the church makes it distinct from Israel as certain commands given to the church were not given to Israel (eg the Ordinance of the Lord’s supper and baptism), and the commands of circumcision were not given to the church. Much of the Old testament laws have been restated in the New Testament but some are not; as we find from the ten commandments that nine have been restated in the New testament with the command for keeping the Sabbath day holy not obligated (Romans 14:1-5; Colossians 2:16).

Christ is the end of the law to believers (Romans 10:4) and so Christians are not under the mosaic law. The law is completed because Christ has fulfilled the law perfectly (Matthew 5:17; Hebrews 4:15), and since Christ’s righteousness is imputed to Christians (2 Corinthians 5:21; Romans 4) believer’s have a fulfilment of the law imputed as well. Christians are only guided by the law of Christ (Romans 8:2; 1 Corinthians 9:21; Galatians 6:2; James 1:25; 2:8, 12), and this law is to love our neighbours as ourselves (John 13:35; cf. Matthew 22:39); called the royal law (James 2:8), as love does no wrong to the neighbour (Romans 13:8-10).

Haven died to the law (Romans 7:1-6) through Christ Christians are not under the mosaic law. The picture of the relationship we have with the law is seen in Romans 7:2-3, as we have died with Christ (2Corinthians 5:14-15; Colossians 2:20; 3:3) and so our obligation to the law is ended (Galatians 2:19-20). It is we who have died (Matthew 5:17-19), not the law and so it is not abolished, so all Christians have died with Christ and have been released from the law.

The replacement of the Old covenant (Exodus 31:12-17), represented by the Sabbath by the New covenant (Luke 22:20) represented by the Lord’s super indicates that Christians are not under the mosaic law as seen the contrast with the later law of Moses and the New covenant that leads to life not death (2Corinthians 3:1-11). The ministry of death and condemnation is replaced by the ministry of spirit in terms of surpassing glory. The New
Testament forms the code of conduct for believers in the church age, some of which
are identical to what was required under the Law.

When the priesthood is changed the law must change (Hebrews 7:12), and because the priesthood is changed, Christians are not under the Mosaic Law. Christ is our priest (Hebrews 2:17; 3:1; 4:14; 6:20), and he was from the tribe of Juda, not a Levi and so the law must have been changed because if the law of priesthood remain he would not have been qualified to act as our priestly mediator (1 Timothy 1:5) to whom we pray through as high priest (Hebrews 4:14-16), and the Old has been replaced by the new (Hebrews 8:7-9); the old completely taken away for the new to exist (Hebrews 10:9).

Paul was not under the mosaic law and so Christians are not under the mosaic law (1 Corinthians 9:19-23), as he notes that if one is led by the spirit then he is not under the law (Galatians 5:18). Moreover he notes that the purpose of the law was to guide Jews to Christ and so Christians are not under the law (Galatians 3:23-26), and God gave laws to govern His people during different periods of time. This we find in that it was not inherently immoral for Adam and Eve to eat from the tree in the garden but it violated God’s direction for them and it is not necessarily righteous to build an ark, but it was God’s command to Noah.

The Old Testament has an important role in the life of a Christian as all scriptures is inspired by God and profitable (2 Timothy 3:16). Information on how God worked in the lives of other people is to instruct and encourage us and being released from the law should not discourage us from reading the word rigorously, because the Old Testament is guide us from temptation (1 Corinthians 10:1-12), and instructs us to persevere with hope (Romans 15:4). We also learn from the Old Testament wisdom books such as Psalms and proverbs, as well as learn more of God’s character from the Old Testament books. While God is revealed more clearly in the New Testament through Christ (Colossians 2:17; Hebrews 10:1), the Old Testament was still accurate and profitable (2 Timothy 3:16-17). God serves mankind in a like manner as parents do to children (Matthew 7:9-11; Hebrews 12:5-10), with different household rules according to the maturity of the children. New rules instructions come in and others are removed as the children grow; and so god treats people differently at different times to develop them.