THE DATING DELIMMA

The term dating has evolved over time. Unlike previous generations which understood the term dating to refer to something a guy and a girl did (ie. Going out on a date), the modern concept of dating often refers to something they are (ie. Boyfriend and girlfriend). We have created, apart from scripture, a fourth type of male-female relationship. In this, lies potential for great confusion, because when we create our category, we are forced to invent our own purity guidelines for that category. Many people think some level of sexual expression is permitted, but that sexual intercourse is out in dating. So they put dating somewhere between just friends and just married.

Note that the Bible is silent about sexual boundaries with in a dating relationship because God does not view a dating relationship as something distinct from the neighbour relationship. In as much as God has not prescribed explicitly the means by which we are to move from neighbour relationship to the marriage relationship (ie. Courting, dating, arranged marriages), he has clearly prescribed how he expects all men and women to act outside the marriage relationship.

So God’s standard of purity for a dating couple is the same as God’s standard for the neighbour relationship. Note that sex does not belong to us alone. Until we appreciate God’s authority over sex and purpose for sex, we will fail to make sense of it and struggle to steward it. We must not allow modern forms of courtship cloud God’s ideal for sex.

THE DELIMMA OF IT’S PERMANENT FOR NOW

In reality, a dating relationship is nothing more than a mirage, a relationship of smoke and mirrors that promises to be something more than it really is. Using a term such as commitment in the context of dating relationship stretches the normal usage of the word beyond the breaking point. When people talk of commitment in dating they mean they have agreed to date only each other. But this can end at any time for any reason (when one feels he or she cannot continue with the other, or that he or she feels they are not compatible etc).

unlike a dating relationship, the commitment and exclusivity of marriage is involuntary. It entails certain obligations and responsibilities that are irrevocable. When a man marries his bride, he gives up his right to choose any other woman. He is morally obliged to faithfully love his wife. But he did not have this obligation prior to marriage. In the end, the commitment of a dating relationship is simply a commitment to inform the other person of one’s intention to end his or her commitment before actually doing so.

Apart from marriage (or engagement) there can be no real promise, no assurance of mutual protection, and no real guarantee for abiding trust; neither party in a dating relationship has promised anything permanent.

The illusion of security usually puts the woman vulnerable. Because of the perception of security afforded by a dating relationship, a woman is inclined to give herself away sexually (even when this stops short of intercourse) in ways that she would not do with other men that she might be attracted to. Many women go through pain when a dating is terminated because of this false sense of safety. She goes through the pain of a divorce and she has never been married.

Many years ago, a man would court a woman to be his wife. But in our day, a man courts a woman to be his girlfriend. Girls, don’t give your heart away until you know what he plans to do with it. Men, stop being irresponsible. Don’t try to win a woman’s heart unless you plan on keeping it. Women; a man has nothing permanent to offer you apart from a marriage proposal. A declaration of attraction is not the basis for security. Dating relationships do not provide legitimate grounds for premature sexual expression, nor do they entail any measure of true security.