Scripture
tells us that sexual desire is controllable and is not to be released
indiscriminately toward just anyone. We need to arouse our sexual desire only
within the context of marriage. We need to show emotional purity because sexual
desire is first emotional before it is mental or physical. The emotion comes as
lust and scriptures say it is as destructive to God’s image as sins of the
flesh (Matt 5:28).
Desire is
not sin from Biblical perspective, but it becomes sin when we desire the wrong
thing or at a wrong time. It is like shooting a gun- it all depends on what
you’re shooting at. So when we direct our sexual desire toward someone who is
not our spouse, we have moved into sin.
Jesus makes
us know that the desire to commit sin is itself a sin. The man who refrains
from murder but hates his brother in his heart is guilty of murder (Matt 5:21-22). In the same way the man who
desires to commit adultery yet refrains from it is still guilty of adultery in
his heart. The prohibition against lust
is not for the sake of the spouse but rather for the sake of sexual purity
itself as it relates to the image of God, specifically Christ and the church.
Many people
have a misconception that lust involves some sort of sexual fantasy or an
exercise of the mind. But according to Christ, lust takes place in the heart,
not the mind, and a person can lust without allowing himself or herself to
succumb to a sexual fantasy. Only a Christian can have a heart ruled by God
that desires only what it should. Sexual desire is not an appetite of the body
which is uncontrollable as hunger and thirst. We must not define sexual arousal
as strictly an act of the body; it is a passion of the heart. The fact that we
are told to control it is clear indication that we can control it (Songs 2:7)
Though
sexual desire is felt in the body, its command centre is in our will, our
parson. We, not our bodies are in control of our sexual desires. You may want
to use Biological factors of sexual arousal, but note that the autonomous
nervous system (ANS) is not controlled by our environment but by our perception
of the environment’s effect on our well-being. Eg. When adrenaline flows after
seeing an accident beside us, it is not the accident that causes the ANS to
respond, but, rather, our ANS responds to the perception that the accident
could potentially threaten our well-being.
So when we
are firmly convinced that sexual immorality is harmful to our well-being, it
loses its grip on us and does not awaken within us sexual desire. Such
conviction takes great faith and it grows as we embrace the unseen reality of
Christ above and beyond what is immediately satisfying.
Do we
believe the path of the adulteress leads to death (Prov
7:10,27)? Do we believe that God will judge the sexually immoral who do
not repent (Heb 13:4; Rev 21:8)? We must not
just believe that the ways of Christ are best; we must know that his ways are
best. That knowledge comes from our personal experience with Christ himself.
Falling
in Love Once (Songs 2:7;3:5)
We must
make wise choices on how and when to give away your heart. Scriptures make us
know that we must not awaken romantic love in ourselves or others until such
love can seek legitimate fulfilment within the marriage relationship.
Note the
passionate language Solomon’s bride describes her desire for her husband (read Songs 2:3-7) She ends by charging
the young maidens attending to her: “Do not arouse
or awaken love,” she says, “until it so desires.” Being afraid that the
arousal of her passions would likewise arouse the passions of the young women
attending her, Solomon’s bride exhorts the young women not to arouse or awaken
their sexual, romantic passions until “love so
desires.” Love so desires: here love is personified. Love must give
permission and in the case of Solomon’s bride love has granted permission to be
awaken because the bride has reached a place in life where sexual, romantic
love can be rightly consummated.
So, the
arousal of our sexual, romantic passions within a relationship that has no
declared intention of moving toward marriage is misguided. It’s like spending
every weekend at a car dealer-shop when you have no money. And you are twelve.
The
enjoyment of food and material possessions is fine. But too much of a good
thing, or a good thing at the wrong time, becomes a bad thing. Similarly, Romantic
desire was designed by God to propel us toward sexual desire, and sexual
desires was designed to propel us toward sexual activity. The man who intends
chastity but romances every girl he dates is in trouble. Romantic attention is
an invitation for a deeper level of intimacy. When a man romances a woman, he
is attempting to gain access to that part of her which is reserved exclusively
for her lover. When he brings her flowers and chocolates and jewellery and
tells her how pretty she is, he isn’t looking to be just friends. So, do not
get to this when you are not ready to satisfy. To satisfy, you must be in
marriage. So be careful what you do when dating. In a date you are just friends
and your boundaries must be well respected. Finally, to romantically woo a
woman, or to give your heart away to a man, prior to a marriage commitment is
to paint an unclear picture of Christ and the church.
Dating
Friendships
A dating
friendship is “two friends getting to know each
other with a view toward marriage”. It is a precursor to a marriage
proposal without romance, sexual overtones that often accompany a typical
dating relationship. Four things are crucial to any couple exploring the
possibility of marriage.
1) The two parties must agree to
maintain the boundaries of the neighbour relationship as concern sexual purity
(1Cor 7:1-9; Songs 2:1-7). They must show
accountability by
a. Having separate godly, grace-filled
accountability partners who are open to evaluate their dating friendship
b. Avoid spending time alone at each
other’s apartment. Don’t hang out alone in a car. Keep the lights on. Make no
provision for the flesh (Rom 13:14)
c. Look outward. You are trying to know
each other so look at the world around you. Your marriage one day should be
used for others not only you. That is to cultivate a missional edge.
d. Begin at the right time. Start
dating friendship only when you know you are in a position (or soon to be in a
position) to get married. Why should a college student start dating?
Also not that though it’s a dating friendship,
the emotional and sexual pull can become problematic if the relationship lasts
too long. Be friends. Hang out in groups. Have a great time. But trust God’s
plan for relationships and wait until you are ready for marriage before you
begin to look for a spouse.
e. Keep it short. Because you are both
at a place in life where it is appropriate to marry, six to eighteen months
seems about right. If you wait longer purity becomes increasingly more
challenging. If you are still uncertain after eighteen months, it’s an
indication that something is wrong in the relationship.
f.
Keep
your engagement short. It exists for one purpose only-to pan a wedding. Too
many Christian couples are sacrificing their purity on the altar of a perfect
wedding day. Once she says yes, it’s beeline time.
2) Communicating clearly about one’s
intentions.
The man owes the woman an explanation of his
advances. If he’s not saying anything, it’s well within a woman’s right to
inquire about a man’s intentions. She must gauge the wisdom of investing in the
relationship.
3) Viewing dating as an activity rather
than a category of relationship.
Dating is something they do rather than
something they are. This helps to maintain the truth that all unmarried men and
women must relate under the purity guidelines in the neighbour relationship.
4) Considering a relationship’s
exclusivity as voluntary (self-imposed)
So in a
dating friendship each person is free to choose to be exclusive throughout the
duration of the relationship. The relationship itself cannot demand it. Thus it
seems wise to us that a man and woman avoid using terms such as promise and
commitment.
You may be
saying that a dating friendship isn’t practical in today’s society. Since when
do we determine truth based on practicality? Jesus encountered the same
situation when teaching his disciples on divorce. The disciples were told that
divorce was permissible only for marital unfaithfulness, they exclaimed “If
such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry” (Matt
19:10). For them, Jesus’ teaching was not practical and too restricting because
in those days a man could divorce his wife for almost any reason.
When a man
is sure of marriage, he should spare no expense in securing her affection. Buy
her flowers, tell her how beautiful her hair looks in the light, take her for
fancy dinner, and buy her a ring. The time to bring on the romance is when
you’re ready to bring on the ring.
Christ
spared no expense in winning our affection. He laid it on the cross to unite to
the church. Men, you are trying to win her as your wife, not as your
girlfriend. So you are to woo the woman’s heart with respect to the sexual
purity guidelines of the neighbour relationship. Desiring to marry a woman does
not mean you are married to her. Help the woman to make the right decision.
It’s not only your proposal that is the best. So don’t pour too much romance
that will make her unable to see the reality for the roses. She may need some
space to think carefully and prayerfully about what God wants for her (and
you). Don’t make her say yes before you’ve asked her.
