Experiences and feelings of the bereaved

Experiences and feelings of the bereaved
The death of a loved one is at times the cruelest thing that can happen to a human being. At times the pain seems insupportable. For some the pain is so much so that they cannot easily accept the reality of this lost. For most people regardless of their culture or religion death is a very delicate subject. Some languages have words or phrases to describe this in order to avoid the sad use of the delicate word. We hear of “he kicked the bucket”, “she passed away”, “she has gone to the father” etc instead of saying he/she died. In Limbum my dialect we get the phrase which translated gives “she left”, “he is lost (in case of chiefs and Fons)”, “she refused food”, “he has quenched”, etc.

I lost my mother last year (some seven months ago) on the 29th of October 2010. Some few days before she died she spoke with me on the phone, telling me she had some pains in her feet, little did I know this could lead to a dead end, but Gods ways are not our ways. Four days in the Hospital I was called one night that she was in oxygen. I could not relate pains in the feet to using artificial aid for respiration. In the early hours at 6am I was informed she passed away. Yes I cried like a little baby in our sleeping room. I had the luck that my wife was there and could give me some comfort, but as time went on I felt more broken than ever. For six months I had always reflected on who she was to us. All of us (eight children) missed our mom and I saw this in the lives of my brothers and sisters. Each time I meet with my eldest sister crying will start over again. Our mom was special to us and her words were always peaceful trying to build always; and open to lead reconciliation. She left us when we needed her most. My wife thought I could get rid of this by keeping everything that brings her memories far away, but this was a mistake. She will always ask me to keep the burial video whenever I wanted to watch. But I found out that it was by watching this over and over and placing her picture on my wall that made me accept the painful reality. A month ago I wondered how it will help if people can share their feelings with others and look at what scriptures tell us in such a painful situation. My wife was pregnant and I told my sister that my child will bare my mom’s name regardless of the sex of the child. God blessed us with a baby boy last month and he was named Yusinyu Angelo. Angelo just like our mom Angelina represents angel. Yusinyu (in English; listen to God) our second child is one month old today that I am writing this text. I now feel relief and I talk about my mom’s death without much trouble.

Some people try to escape from the pains by thinking of the pains of others. They thing they have surmounted all but in most cases they have just tried to escape from the reality. Human escapism will not solve our problem. You may pass all your time during the burial period or death ceremony consoling others; Yes, it is good to support others and assist them get relief from the pain, but do not forget that you yourself need to confront your own feelings. Crying at times gives you relief and if you feel as to do that, do it. Those who run away from this feeling end up many years in bereavement than those who expressed their feelings earlier. When you express your feelings, people will assist you go over it, but if you do it later on, you may have no one beside to help you. In that case you will feel very lonely, no one to comfort you and it will become very difficult for you to surmount your pain. When you are in this situation, note that others have had the same experience and many more will. It is never the end of the world; in fact you still have a life to live though you have lost a part of your company or family.

The bereaved are placed in a situation of temptation especially during the burial ceremony. This period is one in which one has to be very careful the way he things, try to manage frustration and helplessness. If these are not managed, the bereaved will be very susceptible to and can be easily drawn away into situations that cannot be managed later on spiritually and physically. In some cultures family behaviours might lead one (bereaved) to scatter the family bond for ever due to provocations. In some cultures provocation of the bereaved is a normal thing that should happen. When you are in such a situation, whether you know it or not do your things as if you have no force to react to any provocation. Do not even think of the provocation; let them pass as they came.

Our feelings after being bereaved can lead to many health and moral problems in our life. The feeling of loneliness, rejection, guilt and shock can lead to depression. But the scriptures tell us that “The LORD is near to the broken hearted; and saves the crushed in spirit” (Ps 34:18). So we have to accept it and let it go. It is true that it is not as easy else we will not be writing or talking about it. It will take some time; for some it will not take very long but for others it may take very long but as the Lord promises he is there for the broken hearted. We have to cry it out and let it go. This will keep us away from depression. Some people can easily turn the page and life goes on but others find it so difficult to do that. If you are a straight man like Jacob who after getting the news of the death of his son refuses to be comforted then you have to take care of yourself (Genesis 37:35) ;And all his sons and all his daughters rose up to comfort him; but he refused to be comforted; and he said, For I will go down into the grave unto my son mourning. Thus his father wept for him. Know that your health depends on your emotional state. You have to eat well even when you do not feel as to. You also have to sleep enough and make some exercise; this will help you. Science has shown that exercise triggers the liberation of endorphins from the brain which contributes to well being by abolishing all sensation of pain. Thirdly we need to accept assistance from others. Friends and other Christians will give you good advice and when spoken well will give you relief just as the scriptures tell us in Proverbs 25:11 A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.